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Remember Bruce Campbell in the Army of Darkness?  “Give me some sugar, baby.”  Ash used the line ad nausuem in his pursuit of Sheila.  Sure, eventually he got the girl, but remember, at one point, she turned into a horrible, screaming banshee and tried to murder him with her bare hands.  There’s a lesson in that.

Gentlemen, listen.  Women want to be seduced.  I don’t care how long you’ve been together, the female of the species is wired for it.  You know that any little, romantic gesture and we go all mushy on you.  So how is it that you haven’t figured out the things that turn us into horrible, screaming banshees?  I’ll give you a couple of clues.

There is nothing sexier than being dry humped while performing household chores or anything else for that matter.  I’m always overcome with passion when a man emulates a sex-crazed Chihuahua.  Nothing says I love you and want you like a good dry humping or more effectively activates the pleasure center in the female brain.  

I’m also particularly fond of it when my guy confuses my breasts with Harpo’s horn.  The booby honk (single or double) is among the most seductive moves in any man’s repertoire.  What foreplay would be complete without it?  Oh, and please don’t forget to enhance the moment with a verbal “honk, honk.”  We really like that.

Last, but surely not least, is what I like to call the “Junk Jiggle.”  Most common right after a shower (thank god), this dance of seduction is sure to send any woman into orgasmic bliss.  Sexy, clean man enters the room naked.  So far so good.  He then proceeds to thrust his pelvis back and forth while grinning, winking and nodding.  And they say romance is dead.

There are ways to seduce a woman that will literally make her weak in the knees and guarantee she will be yours.  Then there is the monkey with a football approach.  Sure, the monkey is cute and funny, but do you really want to bet your sex life on it?  So . . .

You want to take a ride on my slip and slide?

Alpha male

Hypersexual

 

Gifted

Creative

Sensual

 

Funny

Intelligent

Spiritual

 

Oh yeah, Babe, I’m in love with you!

 


 
She was NOT ordinary in anyway.  She never had been.  This was NOT the life she had always envisioned for herself.  She didn’t “fit” in the world she somehow found herself trapped in now.  She wanted so very much more.  She was so very much more.  She didn’t even know how it had happened to her . . . her of all people.  She – the unique and unusual, edgy, dark child that ran wild through her imagination creating her own realities in the pictures she painted with her words – awoke from her napping to find she was ensnared by the consequences of her choices.

 
He had once appeared to be the answer to her prayers.  He tempted her with fulfillment; the chance to flee the smallness of her bucolic life and blossom into the wondrous, artistic creature she knew dwelt inside her.  She had romanticized him such that within her illusion he came to represent the realization of her heart’s desire.  His promise, all she thought she ever wanted.  Now, even if she did not acknowledge it, she felt only disappointment when she looked at him.  Now, all he represented was the imprisonment of her soul.

 
She had exercised her gift upon her own consciousness and it worked for a terrible, long time.  He gave her everything he was able, even a child.  He provided the means for her search to fill the emptiness inside her, to find some inner peace and understanding.  He, personally, didn’t understand her, but he allowed her idiosyncrasies and supported her endeavors.  She convinced herself that his loving her was enough.  She had lied to herself and him every time she’d said, “I love you.”

 
He’d been happy simply to bask in her beauty and the charm of her favor such that she chose to bestow him with her presence or attention.  They developed little rituals, demonstrations of affection to act out the parts of loving partners.  Through the years she had, however, grown bored with the repetition and forced manufacture of sensuality.  He came to begrudge in her the very qualities that had once been the allure of her.  Still, neither was willing to be the one to make the break.  He did not wish to release her from her commitment, even though he knew she hated him more each day.  She was too afraid to leave the security of the known to make her way alone.

 
So they each retreated to their chosen distraction . . . he to a box that blasted him with images and noise, releasing him from the need to deal with her anger.  She meddled with media of another nature.  She escaped into the virtual arms of others through the Internet.  She reached out to seduce them one after another with her words.  In that realm she was admired, pursued, even worshiped.  She was an electronic goddess and none she selected had ever resisted.  There, she felt the passion and acceptance missing in her physical world.   There, her spirit flew free; she made those connections to feed her adulterous desires; she was whoever and whatever she wished to be.  There, she hoped one day she’d find a hero to whisk her away from this numbing echo of the reality she was sure awaited her out there . . . somewhere.

 
She was NOT ordinary in anyway.  Never had been.  This was NOT the life she had always envisioned for herself; instead, she had become a soccer mom, a self-proclaimed artist and a virtual whore.

 

Diving into the depth of his eyes

Basking in the warmth of his essence

Ever safe and loved in his embrace

 

Hold the harsh, uncaring world at bay

Shun the cruel, superficial judgments

Love, allure, passion and lust artifice

 

Should we two together be enough

My silent prayer . . . let us be enough

 

 
 
I’ve been having trouble of late finding my words.  However, there are the words of a song that keeps playing in my mind.  Perhaps it is simply my fear here at a new beginning.  Perhaps its one of those cosmic messages I’m meant to learn from.  Perhaps it is a reflection from my past.  Perhaps it just got stuck on repeat in my head the way lyrics sometimes do.  Regardless, today a song I never really listened to before demanded my attention.
 
 
Love hurts, love scars,
Love wounds and marks,
Any heart not tough,
Or strong enough
To take a lot of pain,
Take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
Holds a lot of rain
 
I’m young, I know,
But even so
I know a thing or two
I learned from you
I really learned a lot,
Really learned a lot
Love is like a flame
It burns you when its hot
Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts
 
Some fools think of happiness,
Blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves I guess
They’re not foolin’ me
 
I know it isn’t true,
I know it isn’t true
Love is just a lie,
Made to make you blue
Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts
Ooh,ooh love hurts
 
I know it isn’t true,
I know it isn’t true
Love is just a lie,
Made to make you blue
Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts
Ooh ooh love hurts
Ooh ooh…
 
   
These lyrics could have been an anthem for me most of my life . . . my entire life, not just in the romantic sense, but in all the ways and of all the things that I have ever truly loved.  Still, I’ve been on a quest of self-discovery or better said re-discovery this past year.  I had been hurt badly enough to have withdrawn from the world to shelter my wounded heart, but it would seem just maybe there is hope still of putting those things past to rest and learning all over how to love again.  I hope so. 


 

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