My Real Life Superhero Is Better Than Yours

Phoenix Jones, the Guardian of Seattle . . . Honest!

There is today an underground movement sweeping the globe.  Real life superheroes are taking to the streets around the world.  Ordinary people are donning masks and costumes to perform “heroic deeds” of every sort.  France has Captain Ozone crusading to save the environment.  Mexico’s Superbarrio organizes labor rallies, protests and files petitions.  Angle-Grinder Man in England is using his super powers to remove wheel clamps from illegally parked cars in London.  The list goes on.  Here in the Northwest US, we have the preeminent Real Life Superhero (RLSH) . . . Phoenix Jones, the Guardian of Seattle and here’s why.

1. The Handle – According to the man himself, he selected Phoenix because it rises from the ashes and Jones because it is one of the most common surnames.  Ergo, he is the common man rising from the ashes of society.  Pretty clever and you have to respect the analogy. It makes for one formidable, superhero identity.  But it doesn’t stop there.  All the really awesome superheroes have a descriptive phrase after their monikers, i.e., Superman, the Man of Steel and Batman, the Dark Knight.  There’s no slacking on that either . . . the Guardian of Seattle.  Come on and admit it, the name rocks! 
2. The Outfit – Any really hip superhero has a bitchin’ suit.  My RLSH has a costume which consists of a bulletproof vest, stab plating, full head mask, even a codpiece and it’s sculpted with muscles, a six pack and everything.  This is serious superhero stuff here.  You can’t overlook the kickin’ black with gold design either.  My man doesn’t run around the city in some painted ski mask and a trench coat.  Hell, he fights crime in full superhero regalia.  Just take a look at the picture.  Spiderman and Green Lantern ain’t got nothing on him.
3. The Posse – Superman has the Justice League.  Mr. Fantastic has the Fantastic Four.  Phoenix Jones, the Guardian of Seattle has the Rain City Superhero Movement.  Yeah, that’s right.  Man’s got a crew.  He’s not out on the streets alone.  Thorn, Buster Doe, Green Reaper, Gemini, No Name, Catastrophe, Thunder 88, Troop, Pitch Black, Red Dragon, Blue Sparrow, and Penelope have my crusader’s back.  That’s not all.  There is, of course, a sidekick . . . Purple Reign.  And get this, she’s his wife in real life.  Now, beat that!  I dare you.
4. The Secret Lair – We all know about the Fortress of Solitude, the Bat Cave and Xavier’s Combat Room.  In true superhero-style, Phoenix Jones, the Guardian of Seattle readies himself each night in a secret room in an unnamed comic book store somewhere in the Puget Sound.  That’s right . . . a comic book store.  Really!  I can’t make this stuff up.  I can only imagine all the nifty superhero gear stashed in this clandestine hideout.  I sure hope my man has a spare costume in reserve as the Seattle Police reportedly confiscated the super suit recently.  How could they?
5. The Crusade – Phoenix Jones, the Guardian of Seattle doesn’t condone just anyone doing what he and his posse do.  All the members of the Rain City Superhero Movement are said to have special, superhero skills.  My RLSH has been stabbed with a knife, shot with a gun and even had a thug break his nose, but as any good superhero will tell ya . . . it’s all in a day’s work.  He claims to have stopped car thieves, foiled the theft of a bus, and prevented a drug dealer from shooting a man all between breaking up bar brawls and generally keeping the streets safe(r?).  As he says himself, he’s not handing out sandwiches, he’s fighting crime.  Evil-doers better beware! 

I’ll put Phoenix Jones, the Guardian of Seattle up against any real life superhero out there.  That is as soon as he gets out of jail.

Disclaimer:  The author does not encourage this behavior and would have the reader note that such conduct has been known to result not only in jail time, but the possibility of a visit from men in white coats.