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I thought I knew you in the dark

Your whispers soft in my ear
Your breath warm in my hair
Your caresses gentle as I dreamt
Your hand stroking my thigh

Or was it just
Could it have been
Nothing more than
A bump in the night?

She cries.  He loves her.  She couldn’t imagine that has changed.  He’s always there for her.  Hadn’t he pledged to her his love for life?  Sure, she had broken her vow and they were no longer “together,” but things had been this way for years.  He was always available when she needed him, always at the ready, always able to make it better for her.  Why would he abandon her now?  She had done nothing different, nothing to make him treat her so carelessly.  How dare he not be there in her hour of need.

Tearful messages left unanswered.  What could he possibly be doing that was more important than her pain?  Her voicemails asking him for his help, all gone unreturned.  How could he be so heartless, uncaring?  She had no one, nothing and despite her pride she’d said so.  Still he turned a deaf ear, his indifference a stinging blow.  Why was he treating her this way?  What was it he wanted her to say?  That she needed him?  He should know that after all these years.  That she wanted him?  On this she was a bit unclear, even to herself.  She wanted him to be there for her . . . a friend, a sometimes lover, a fall back when she had nothing else.

She knew she could do better . . . have a man with all of his strengths and none of his weakness.  She had ventured in search of such, but as yet had found none.  He would never be able to provide her with the life she deserved.  She had given him plenty of time to prove that.  He didn’t understand her, how she felt, the depth of her wounds.  He didn’t really “get” her, not as others had.  Still, he had always been there when she reached for him.  He was the storm port that allowed her unfettered sailing when the weather was clear.

She briefly considered that it might be he had found another, but dismissed the possibility with little thought.  They had a bond that spanned a lifetime.  This new woman simply a tarriance, nothing compared to what they had together.  No matter what this new one offered, it couldn’t be possible that he should love any more than he loved her.  She was confident that she was his one true life’s love, so why was he being so mean?  He had withdrawn before, but always in the end he was there for her, always in the end he came back to her, always through his life he had waited on her. 

Sure, it had never lasted this long before, his holding back of the love and support due her.  Sure, he had told her over and over that he was done.  Sure, anyone that did not know him as she did would think he had finally moved on.  She knew that was not possible.  She was sure he would forever be tied to her.  He would come to her when the situation was right.  She had only to find the key, the moment, the approach to open the door to his heart and have him know again that it was she that he was meant to live his life for.  She was the love of his life and he could not escape.  It was his destiny to love her no matter the cost to him.

She cries.  She is alone.  She reaches to him and he’s not there.  She needs him to hold her and tell her its okay.  How can he treat her so badly?  How can he let her suffer?  How can he pretend he doesn’t care? Still she draws strength from the knowledge that it is only a matter of time.  He has a temporary distraction is all.  He will come to know that his life cannot be complete without her in it and then he will be there for her again.  He is simply angry with her, for what she does not know.  Still she is confident he will return to her and when he does, she will make him cry.

She is still
Part of an “us”
Together  “we”
Half of their whole

She does feel
A love that’s true
Eternal bliss
To have and hold

He has turned
Away from her
Split them apart
Now only him

He has removed
Her from his life
She has become
Just one of them

One of them
He’s set aside

One of them
From which he hides

One of them
Ghosts from his past

Just one of them
Not meant to last

She holds to hope
Some day he’ll come
Back to her arms
Dreams to fulfill

She does wait
Giving him time
To wish again
Life to rebuild

He doesn’t know
Nor will he see
Any single place
For him not grim

He’s moving on
Left her behind
Like all before
Just one of them

One of them
Her fate has come

One of them
With hearts turned numb

One of them
Left to perish

Just one of them
No longer cherished

Miss Demure Restraint’s Journal
The whole damn year of 2008
It was a roller coaster ride 

I never know where my evil little mind is going to take me when I sit down here to write my next entry.  It would seem I will dwell in one of my favorite rooms again today.  Yes, the woes being single at the onset of middle age always a topic of interest.  What ya gonna do?  Seriously, most of us have spent the last ten years building careers and/or rising families.  I know my energy for the past decade was spent establishing a nice, cozy, middle class existence.  A few of us are just starting to look up from our grindstones and realizing time is, in fact, running out.  There is an expiration date on our potential to do all the things we dreamed of doing, but set aside to meet the obligations of the moment. 

I’ve been single forever!  I consider myself single, as I’ve been divorced over 10 years.  My daughter has been on her own for a very long time.  We don’t even live in the same state.  I ask, how single can a person be?  I looked up from my chosen grindstone about a year ago and realized the only true obligation I had was to myself.  There’s no one else that relies on me anymore and I have obtained those things that represent a measure of success (enough for me anyway).  I also realized I had no one to share the fruits of my labor with.  I’ll be frank here (you can be Shirley later – HeHe).  It gets lonely doing things by yourself or with couples that are friends.  It seems all my single friends through the years have become couples.  Hanging isn’t the same after that. 

So the conundrum . . . how to meet new people.  Work had become my life.  I’m not religious.  I don’t drink (rarely anyway).  That takes church and bars off the list of wheres.  Immediately strike the workplace.  I learned long ago that friends you work with must remain “work friends” as long as you work for the same employer or have regular business dealings.  There is nothing on the planet as pathetic as the “hook ups” my couples friends come up with for me.  I would rather swallow glass than suffer another evening with a “surprise” guest to even out my odd in the group.  Heaven forbid we have a stray odd now and then. 

Wouldn’t you think I’d meet other single people in the pursuit of my own interests?  What do I spend my time doing?  Of course, the job sucks up most of my waking hours.  What else do I do?  I workout.  I love working out.  I’d love to find a workout partner!  Okay . . . have you seen the people in the gyms?  I guess I’m not the only one with this problem of meeting other singles.  Most gyms are just meat markets.  I’m sorry, but when I workout I sweat, I grunt, my hair turns into a nightmare, and I wear clothes that let me move, but are not at all attractive.  With the women showing up at the gym in these little skirt things with their perfect hair and makeup, I went out and bought a recumbent bike and incline weight bench, put mirrors on one wall converting one of my bedrooms to a workout room.  

Yoga?  I do that a lot.  Who do I meet there?  More coupled women!  Great, more glass on the menu of my life.  One of the instructors is kind of a cool guy, but that seems a bad idea from the gate.  I spend most of the rest of my time writing.  Don’t get me wrong.  It is my passion.  I write everyday.  I blog everyday, I can.  God does that sound geeky!  I found blogging to be much more than I imagined it would be and it is a great joy in my life.  I have friends around the world now.  Problem is that its tough ringing up Zen in Australia to see if she wants to catch the movie matinee this afternoon. 

Okay, we do live in the realization of the global, electronic village.  Friend Computer (perhaps my best friend right now) should be able to help me out.  So what is offered?  Dating websites, personal ads, MySpace (Social site? What’s that?), now Twitter (does anyone really want to know I shaved my legs today?) and more are available with the click of a mouse button.  However, what are you really getting?  I’m not sure what people do in the cyber world.  There may just be as many scenarios as there are people.  It confuses me, frustrates me, disappoints me and sometimes delights me.  I guess its no different than the rest of life.  

E-mail and IM contact . . . $14.95 for internet access.  Telephone conversations . . . $28.54 for cell minute overages.  Meet for coffee . . . $12.80 for a scone and latte.  Dinner date . . . $130.05 for new dress.  Meeting someone you actually do things with . . . Priceless.  Oh that it were so simple!  

So every once in a while I stick my head in and check out what’s up and who’s back online and who’s gone and maybe now and then, who’s new.  I do have limited electronic (computer and phone) connect with a lot of people.  Its weird really.  An e-mail thread is initiated.  Some are amazingly brief.  Some go on for months.  Some make it to the talking on the phone stage, most don’t.  A few you actually meet.  Rarely, one of those will turn into a real date.  Second dates?  I could probably count them, but what a depressing undertaking that would be.  Anyone that actually became part of my life?  Easy answer there . . . one, maybe two. 

Maybe its not so much a problem meeting people.  When I consider it, I meet plenty of people.  Its just that most of – make that all – the men I meet are looking for a lot more than a hang out buddy or activities partner. SEX!!!  I blame sex or at least the pursuit of sex.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve met a bunch of very nice, interesting people.  I have contact of varying degrees with several of them.  Still its fleeting and if it persists its just recycles back though the pursuit of sex.  Regardless the advertisement of their search for a long-term relationships, its long term sex that most people really want.  Do I sound jaded?  I’m not really.  I like sex as much as, no probably more than, the next person.  I’m only going to engage in a relationship with someone that I’m having “rock your world” sex with.  So, I’m as guilty of the pursuit as everybody else. 

The result is that it is as rare to find friends as it is to find that illusive Mr. or Ms Right.  Most contact ends once a sexual agreement is reach or a real relationship develops.  No, correction here . . . scratch the agreement part.  Even if there is a “friend with benefits” arrangement, they are always short term.  Having regular physical intercourse either leads to sincere attachment or once the initial fireworks end there isn’t enough to continue based purely on sex.  We are social animals.  The animal may need to copulate, but if our social needs aren’t meet we will of need seek it elsewhere.  We have to have both the physical and the social connection for a relationship to be gratifying. 

So just where the hell is this rant going?  The more I know, the more I know I don’t know much.  This applies to everything.  Relationships . . . rough stuff.

Is it fair to rant that things aren’t exceptional?  

I’ve got a good job.  It requires no creativity.  It pays well and is secure.  It does not challenge me.   I have benefits that ain’t half bad.  It is sedentary.   It is a job after all.  What do I really have to bitch about? 

I’ve got a good boyfriend.  He has no job.  I love him and he loves me.  His prospects are slim.  He’s the coolest, best man I have known.  He’s in transition.  He’s a man after all.  What do I really have to bitch about?

I’ve got a good life.  Its pretty boring.  I’m happy and content.   Nothing exciting seems to happen.  I don’t suffer drama from others.  It is average.  It is a life after all.  What do I really have to bitch about? 

Add it all up and I have a secure, happy, quiet existence and what more can we desire in this living?  

Special Note:  

Shortly after writing this my world was turned upside down.  I indeed had nothing to bitch about and now look back with the realization that I had it good! You see, fate, karma, or just plain bad luck landed square in my lap.  I had a horrific fire at my house.  Fortunately, the house did not burn to the ground, but the garage, both cars and the back third of the house did.  The loss was catastrophic. 

We were displaced and lived like a couple of college students for three months.  No that’s an overstatement; college students at least have the internet.  We slept on a blow up mattress, used cardboard boxes for tables, ate from cans over the sink, came to suspect the downstairs neighbor was a “lady of the night,” and observed drug deals randomly throughout the apartment complex.  The first and only thing asked about my new puppy was how much he cost.  Still worse yet, over time we realized the apartment was infested with toxic mold to which I am extremely allergic!

What did I learn?  All things pass.  We are back in the house which is still a construction site, but I’m starting to be able to breathe again.  Although the house is filled with boxes of items returned after being cleaned and/or repaired, every once in awhile we come across some treasure we thought had been lost. 

Somehow, despite losing so much stuff, we don’t seem to fit in the house (can’t wait to have the garage rebuilt).  There’s no longer a fence across the back yard, so the puppy must be taken out and watched little a hawk to do his business (TMI).  We have to park the cars on the street.  The corollary to all this . . . Once we unpack and reorganize things will be better than before.  The puppy has a yard and is no longer in danger of being stolen for the puppy black market.  We have cars to park on the street.  Oh yeah . . . the boyfriend got a job! 

What do I really have to bitch about?

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January 2023