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I realize it’s been more than a little while since I’ve had to look for work.  It was – OMG – before the turn of the century, when I last performed a “cold call” job search.  Sure, I changed jobs during that time, but then I had an extensive network of insiders setting me on the fast track to employment nirvana.  My old contacts are just that now . . . OLD . . . retired to Tahiti, put out to pasture, or relegated to positions where their senility will cause as little harm as possible.  Boy, oh boy, have things changed.  Today the process of ferreting out a job has been electronified.  I know, electronified isn’t a word, but it should be ‘cause that’s exactly what’s happened.  Nothing can proceed in the real world until the requirements of the virtual world are met and there’s the rub.

SEO-type software is often the first obstacle to overcome.  My resume and/or application will be examined with an electronic eye to determine if I have the basic qualifications the potential employer desires.  In other words, no human discretion will be used in this initial assessment.  Stupid spiders can’t be dazzled with the brilliance of my writing skills and will send me straight to the shredder should I fail to satisfy their grubby, little appetites for repetitious goo.  I’m a smart gal and I can make the creepy crawlers happy by designing a masterpiece of “job duties” and “required skills” plagiarism.  Come on, it’s all right there in the job posting and I know how to cut and paste.  Duh.

Provided the insidious insects are sated, this compilation of mind-numbing glop is passed on to a real live human.  Worse, in the case of the technically-challenged organization, it will go directly to this poor schmuck.  This pitiable individual has already been tortured with reading the 50 piles of crap arriving prior to mine.  If those applicants have also provided the requisite spider slime, the unfortunate breather will doubtless be a blithering idiot at best and most likely completely comatose.  Let’s say, my maggot-num opus actually reaches the desk of someone still able to put three words together in a coherent sentence.  This tour de farce will – and rightly so – be delivered unceremoniously to the nearest trash heap.

So my struggle to create that perfect balance of literary luminosity and bug bait continues thus far with little-to-no success.  Did I mention this work of genius must be two pages or less?  I’m confident I have the experience and ability to exceed all expectations as well as the performance of any predecessors once I’ve secured a position.  We all know how wonderful I am.  Hey, you in the peanut gallery . . . we don’t need your disparaging commentary, so stuff a sock in it. 

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yes, I’m flooding the electronoverse with my perpetually-revised, self promotion and waiting for an opportunity to deal with the next hurtle.  What could possibly stand between me and the job of my dreams (read any flippin’ thing that pays the bills)?  How do I help some poor child – that hasn’t filled as many posts as I had before they were out of diapers – get through the interview process and recognize my virtuosity?  But then that’s another story.

This post was written for The Mindslam Write Wednesday prompt – What has been your favorite job so far? If you haven’t had one yet, what would it be?

  

Dear Hiring Monkey,

You have indicated only applicants providing a “custom” cover letter will be considered for the underpaid, dead-end position you are seeking to fill.  I am happy to comply.  Sure, I have a finely-crafted, informative cover letter I modify for use in conjunction with my professional and well-written resume when applying for employment.  I am, however, certain it would not provide what you need to assess my ability to perform your abysmal inventory of responsibilities or meet your incongruous catalog of qualifications.  I’m unemployed and have nothing better to do than write such a letter.  I will strive to use proper spelling, punctuation and formatting, unlike your advertisement.  Still, who am I to criticize?  You have a job and I don’t. 

It may not be obvious to you from said resume that I have twenty plus years of experience in my field as well as significant accomplishments and formal education.  I could do the job as presented in your ad half asleep with one hand tied behind my back.  Of course, I am unclear what “other duties as assigned” entails, but I’m confident I am capable of completing any undertaking you might require.  I will perform beyond your expectations as a team playing independent worker.  I have excellent problem-solving skills and the ability to work unsupervised, but would never dream of applying same without the expressed and written permission of a micro-managing superior.  I live to make my boss look good and provide great ideas that others will take credit for.

I believe in work – life balance . . . for those that have climbed your corporate ladder much higher than I might ever aspire to and fully expect to work late nights and weekends assuring upper management goals and objectives are met.  How else can your organization afford bonuses for those so much more deserving than I?  I understand my place in the hierarchy and appreciate the unstated obligation to drown if necessary so my manager can stand on my shoulders to keep his/her head above water.  I also make an exceptional scapegoat should the need ever arise.

I ask only minimal payment for my labors and have no need for acknowledgement of my contributions in the form of either praise or compensation.  I understand you cannot shoulder the expense of inconsequential perks such as medical insurance, paid time off or retirement and the cost for any benefits will be paid for by me plus, of course, a small administrative fee. 

I hope this letter gives you better insight for gauging my considerable talents and how valuable an addition I would be to the staff of your fine company.  Let’s get together and talk.  Over coffee perhaps?  Of course, I’m glad to pick up the tab.

Thank you for your time and consideration in this matter.

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