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Lost I may yet reach my goal . . .
without finding all that I seek . . . I may still be made whole.

 

I once thought everyone would understand what I intended by that, but it seems I was wrong. I never thought it needed an explanation until a youngster looked at me after reading it and innocently asked, “What does that mean?”

Really? I was befuddled. I’m not even sure how to answer that question. It’s the most obvious thing in the world to me . . . a universal truth . . . visceral reality . . . tribal knowledge. Maybe you have to be a member of the tribe to get it. I have no idea what tribe that is, but? Maybe it’s a generational thing or an age thing. I don’t remember being so obsessed with finding my way when I was that young. Who knows though since much of my youth is lost in the fog. Maybe it’s a “crazy” thing. “Normal” people don’t seem terribly worried about what they want or how to get it. At least, that’s how it appears from the outside. Maybe it’s just me . . . another strong possibility.

I was nowhere near my goal or being whole when I wrote it, but I knew in my deepest consciousness it was right. The knowledge helped me weather the storms and keep putting one foot in front of the other. It allowed me to breathe when the world collapsed around me. It became my life’s manta. It invested in me a surety that if I could just keep going – someday, someway – I would reach my enigmatic goal no matter the obstacles.

I may look back at this in the future and think, “Man, was I delusional,” but it so feels to me, for the first time in my life, I have reached a time and place that may well be my goal. All I’ve ever really wanted in life was to feel loved, safe, content and happy. I have all those and more now. As to being whole . . . more so than not. I don’t so much struggle with the questions of “ME.” I doubt I will ever stop asking big questions, but I don’t so much need those answered to feel comfortable with just being me.

Jagger sang, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try, sometimes you might find, you get what you need.” That “feels” like much the same message . . . to me anyway.

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