Remember Bruce Campbell in the Army of Darkness? “Give me some sugar, baby.” Ash used the line ad nausuem in his pursuit of Sheila. Sure, eventually he got the girl, but remember, at one point, she turned into a horrible, screaming banshee and tried to murder him with her bare hands. There’s a lesson in that.
Gentlemen, listen. Women want to be seduced. I don’t care how long you’ve been together, the female of the species is wired for it. You know that any little, romantic gesture and we go all mushy on you. So how is it that you haven’t figured out the things that turn us into horrible, screaming banshees? I’ll give you a couple of clues.
There is nothing sexier than being dry humped while performing household chores or anything else for that matter. I’m always overcome with passion when a man emulates a sex-crazed Chihuahua. Nothing says I love you and want you like a good dry humping or more effectively activates the pleasure center in the female brain.
I’m also particularly fond of it when my guy confuses my breasts with Harpo’s horn. The booby honk (single or double) is among the most seductive moves in any man’s repertoire. What foreplay would be complete without it? Oh, and please don’t forget to enhance the moment with a verbal “honk, honk.” We really like that.
Last, but surely not least, is what I like to call the “Junk Jiggle.” Most common right after a shower (thank god), this dance of seduction is sure to send any woman into orgasmic bliss. Sexy, clean man enters the room naked. So far so good. He then proceeds to thrust his pelvis back and forth while grinning, winking and nodding. And they say romance is dead.
There are ways to seduce a woman that will literally make her weak in the knees and guarantee she will be yours. Then there is the monkey with a football approach. Sure, the monkey is cute and funny, but do you really want to bet your sex life on it? So . . .
You want to take a ride on my slip and slide?
86 comments
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November 15, 2011 at 5:58 pm
Talk to me...I'm your Mother
Yeah. What a hoot! Hope you have a bit more romance in your life..the real kind.
November 15, 2011 at 6:05 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
I am, forturnately or unfortunately, drawing on a lifetime of being seduced by the oppose sex to produce this bit of flotsam. I felt a need to lighten things up after that last post.
I’m glad you liked it and thanks for letting me know.
November 15, 2011 at 6:02 pm
ladywithatruck
Here we go with the monkeys again!! I am beginning to wonder about where you live!?
I loved this!! The thought of a sex-crazed Chihuahua dry humping my leg gets me all hot and bothered!!
Oh may I add one that ALWAYS works for me! A variation of the honking horn its the “Come in Tokyo” using my breasts like radio dials while saying “Come in Tokyo” over and over. NOTHING works quite as well ……. At totally KILLING the mood, now I just want to kill you!! Asshole!! I’ll tell you one thing YOU won’t be coming anytime soon!!
November 15, 2011 at 6:10 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
Thank you so much for the “Come in Tokyo.” I haven’t personally experienced that “twist,” but I’m sure it would induce a response similar to . . . “oh . . . take me . . . take me now.” *eye roll*
I sure hope everybody adds their own personal favorite. That would be such fun!
November 15, 2011 at 6:17 pm
Oh God, My Wife Is German
HAW!
Awesome post! Thank you for sharing!
I will follow your blog for sure.
November 15, 2011 at 8:03 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
Why, thank you. I will expect a few Denglish comments though.
November 15, 2011 at 7:23 pm
John
Heh.
November 15, 2011 at 7:32 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
Why John, I can’t believe I have struck you dumb?
November 16, 2011 at 7:58 pm
John
Nah, I was dumb long before this post.
November 16, 2011 at 9:06 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
No never dumb, my dear.
November 15, 2011 at 7:46 pm
Simply Tim
Oh, gawd — I love it.
ROFLMFAO
Kinda sorta like John Sandford’s “Virgil Flowers” character musing the greatest all-time woman mystery secret: “…the man in the canoe…”
ROFLMFAO all over again.
November 15, 2011 at 7:56 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
Happy to make you happy, Tim. I must admit, I’m unfamiliar with the reference. I’ll be going to Google it right now.
November 15, 2011 at 7:58 pm
lorrelee1970
I think they do what turns them on. Grab your breasts or vagina when you get out of the shower and they will go crazy. Grab their junk and it’s on. They love any kind of humping. I think I saw a guy orgasm in an elevator because it was over crowded and the friction of the old lady and the business man against him was too much.
November 15, 2011 at 8:00 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
LOL. I think you are right.
Good to see you, Lorre Lee. Thanks for chiming in.
November 15, 2011 at 10:27 pm
lorrelee1970
Always.
November 16, 2011 at 12:10 am
Miss Demure Restraint
You’re just making the rest of us look bad. 😉
See you later little sister.
November 15, 2011 at 8:09 pm
xdeviantonex
So what you are saying is, saying “Brace yourself!” is not acceptable foreplay? 😉
November 15, 2011 at 8:37 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
Hey, us girls are overwhelmed by such expressions of passion.
Happy to answer any questions. 🙂
November 15, 2011 at 8:24 pm
granbee
Thanks for sharing. You KNOW zillions of us gals out here have ALL had these “approaches” tried on us! It was good to be able to laugh about it–thanks, once again!
November 15, 2011 at 8:39 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
If we don’t laugh, we have to cry and what’s that going to get us.
Thanks for joining the fun.
November 15, 2011 at 8:27 pm
Rich Crete
Well at least you didn’t mention the time honored “I can’t find my washcloth” move while stepping out of the shower. That one’s money. Who could possibly resist? I believe that’s the move Donna Summer was singing about…Lookin’ for some Hot Stuff, Baby, this evening…
November 15, 2011 at 8:45 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
I did miss that one. I’m so glad you caught and corrected my mistake.
BTW, I know where you can get some chicken legs. I could fix you up.
November 15, 2011 at 8:27 pm
prettyfeetpoptoe
I can’t believe you’ve spilled womankind’s secrets! Now all men will know how to get me in the sack instantly and I will be powerless to resist.
November 15, 2011 at 8:42 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
I figure we should help them out and let them know the fastest way into your pants. I still think I find the “Junk Jiggle” to be the most irresistible approach.
Nice to see you again.
November 16, 2011 at 12:04 pm
prettyfeetpoptoe
Ever been “Smurfed”? The guy does the “Junk Jiggle” but right in your face, with actual contact. Who could say no to that? It’s practically a Hallmark greeting card in the flesh.
November 16, 2011 at 3:21 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
Oh may. No, I have missed that delight. I’m sure I would have been overcome with passion and desire.
Nice to see you again, Pretty Feet. I always wanted to have pretty feet.
November 15, 2011 at 9:48 pm
adollyciousirony
🙂 this is cool, “Last, but surely not least, is what I like to call the “Junk Jiggle.” Most common right after a shower (thank god), this dance of seduction is sure to send any woman into orgasmic bliss. Sexy, clean man enters the room naked. So far so good. He then proceeds to thrust his pelvis back and forth while grinning, winking and nodding.”
I agree with you with this statement 100% ! Exactly the way my husband does it LOL… It’s funny but it stimulates me all over… I find my man very sexy when he does his dance of seduction or “Junk Jiggle” as you call it… 🙂
Truly an orgasmic bliss!
You did it again Ms.. D. I see everyone of us happy with this post. Bravo!
November 15, 2011 at 11:58 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
They are cute . . . just like little monkeys, but we love them and would never let them know, except for maybe an eye roll or two.
Your post was very passionate today. I’ll just bet the “Junk Jiggle” was an enormous inspiration.
Thanks again for the support.
November 15, 2011 at 10:05 pm
underwhelmer
If a man is sexy, it’s usually by accident.
November 15, 2011 at 11:59 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
I think you may be right. Men are usually their sexiest when they aren’t thinking about it.
Good to see you again and thanks.
November 15, 2011 at 10:46 pm
Androgoth
Yes a most interesting read Miss. D of course I am not about to add my in depth thoughts on any of it, all I will say however is that when a man’s partner is truly satisfied then all is well, the over in a flash kind of man with self centred pleasures in mind has no place in the bedroom, or indeed anywhere else for that matter…
I hope that your afternoon and
evening has been an exciting one 🙂
Androgoth XXx
November 16, 2011 at 12:22 am
Miss Demure Restraint
My dear you are a different breed of man. I would love a link to your recent post in these comments. Do you mind? As to your comments here, I love and treasure them long or short.
I’m never sure what time it is on the other side of the world, where you are. So, you have a deathly day or frightful evening which ever is appropriate.
Miss D xxx
November 16, 2011 at 1:04 am
Androgoth
If you wish to add a link then that is absolutely fine my wickedly delightful young friend, of course I don’t know what your readers will think of my Space as it sometimes scares the hell out of peeps 😦 lol
Have a wonderful rest of evening, here it is 01:03 🙂
Androgoth XXx
November 16, 2011 at 1:10 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Okay, this for the brave and bold, not everybody’s cup of herbal tea. Warning: Adult content!
http://andro51.wordpress.com/2011/11/14/a-night-of-wickedness/
November 16, 2011 at 1:30 am
Androgoth
I doubt if anyone will call by Miss. D
but if they do, then I hope that they
will enjoy it… Well a little anyway? 🙂
Thank you for the link 🙂
Androgoth XXx
November 16, 2011 at 1:38 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Anytime my good friend. I’ve seen a few peeps on both sites, so “you never know.” I liked your post. Sensuous, sexy and informative! I like your site. You never know what’s going to happen next.
Well, you have a disturbing and dreadful day tomorrow,
Miss D
November 16, 2011 at 2:10 am
Androgoth
Yes I have been speculating rather a lot lately,
whereas before it was mainly horror based but
I think on this outing the different genres seem
to be well received and so I am enjoying adding
all the different styles of my writing, and I have
you and all my friends to thank for that finding
so thank you for that Miss. D 🙂 😉
Be good now, but never too good okay? 🙂 lol
Androgoth XXx
November 16, 2011 at 2:53 am
Miss Demure Restraint
I have quite enjoyed your diversification. Write on.
Have a wicked Wednesday,
Miss D xxx
November 15, 2011 at 10:54 pm
ldsrr91
C’mere … Get Away! …C’mere … Get Away! …C’mere … Get Away! …C’mere … Get Away! …C’mere … Get Away! …C’mere … Get Away! …C’mere … Get Away! …C’mere … Get Away! …C’mere … Get Away! …C’mere … Get Away! …C’mere … Get Away! …C’mere … Get Away! … Ah C’mon honey put on the monkey mask just one more time ….. Puhleeze?
Ahhhhhhh marriage.
After reading this, I am not all that sure I will be able to sleep tonight.
(Nice work)
November 16, 2011 at 12:27 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Got you all riled up did it? Well, share it with the little lady and maybe she’ll let you wear the monkey mask this time. LOL. Or maybe she’ll make you flapjacks in her see-though nightie! *wink*
Appreciate your continued comments and support.
November 16, 2011 at 12:41 am
prenin
Hmmm… Sounds about right! LoL!!! 😉
Love and squishy hugs!
Prenin
November 16, 2011 at 12:47 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Good to see you out and about Prenin. Glad I could make your laugh.
Miss D
November 16, 2011 at 1:43 am
barkinginthedark
WTF, those are my best moves! sheeesh… continue…
November 16, 2011 at 2:51 am
Miss Demure Restraint
You and most every other man I know. LOL.
I just discovered a flaw in my reader. I was over at your site showing someone my favorite Perry post and I seem to have missed several of your posts. Now I pissed. I have a lot of catching up to do. That’ll teach me not to trust any technology.
November 16, 2011 at 2:53 am
prenin
Hi hun! 🙂
Yes it’s a trial at times, but keeps me busy and my mind turning over so I wlecome it! 🙂
You have a great week sweetheart! 🙂
Love and hugs!
Prenin.
November 16, 2011 at 3:43 am
Miss Demure Restraint
You too. Now go get some sleep.
Miss D
November 16, 2011 at 3:30 am
MisplacedBoy
I’ve always been told that the best way to seduce a woman is to make her laugh…and it works. My attempts at seduction always succeed…at making women laugh.
November 16, 2011 at 3:42 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Women do have the most amazing sense of humor!
I appreciate your taking time in your busy schedule to read and comment.
November 16, 2011 at 8:01 am
duncanr
dry humping . . . booby honk . . . junk jiggle</em:
done them all !
[er, do I know you from somewhere?] 😳
November 16, 2011 at 3:16 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
We might have dated. LOL
Thanks for stopping by.
November 16, 2011 at 11:36 am
annmariedwyer
Top three indeed! Suppose it is the eternal failure to “grow the hell up”? Somehow, they never seem to grasp what was “cute” @12 is just creepy @42. Love it!
Red.
November 16, 2011 at 3:30 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
They are just sweet, big kids when you think about it.
Good to see you, Red and thanks for taking the time to comment.
November 16, 2011 at 6:10 pm
mindslam
LMAO…that was great. Very funny.
November 16, 2011 at 6:30 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
I’m glad you liked it. Thanks for stopping in to comment.
Hey, its Wednesday, the day you give us a new prompt! I’ll can’t wait to see what it is. I’m like your prompts even when I can’t write to one. If it hadn’t been for your prompt last week, I wouldn’t have an educated opinion of the event which I still think is deplorable, but you prompted me to think!
November 16, 2011 at 7:04 pm
Oracle of the Pearl
OK, don’t forget the Weenie Wag. Yes, I know it falls in the basic catagory of Junk Jiggle, but, there is a twist. Just pretend the Wagger employs an invisible Hula Hoop. You know, more of a swirl action than a jiggle.
Also, variation on Weenie Wag; your straight-on wag, like a dog’s tail.
I will spare you the details of additional variations….I’m sure you’ve seen them all. LOL–I mean, ok, I have. I think….
I think you could write a post just on this, no? We all know I am not going to.
I will keep you informed of other remembered seduction techniques as the flashbacks come to me……
Thanks for the laughs, as always!
Pearl
November 16, 2011 at 7:11 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
I always believe in giving credit where due. Ladies and Gentlement meet Pearl. Pearl is often the inspiration behind the madness at MDR. She is busy “living the dream” of business ownership and hasn’t time to blog herself. She is a gifted writer and a part of me wants to hound her into doing it more. On the other hand, as long as she’s busy, I am gifted with many nuggets of inspiration. This one is one of her’s.
Thank you friend.
November 16, 2011 at 7:57 pm
Phil's Lounge
Lol! And there you were thinking you would not have much to contribute to the up and coming posts…..tut tut. 😉
November 16, 2011 at 9:05 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
Age does have its advantages. One of them is experience. 🙂
November 17, 2011 at 1:48 am
Cayman Thorn
It’s not often that I’m screaming dirty curse words back at a post. But thanks for that. I need a smoke.
November 17, 2011 at 4:52 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Happy to accommodate. Thanks?
November 17, 2011 at 2:12 am
Ben-onelegatatime
I always suspected that dry humping my wife while she washes her face was doing the trick, but she likes to pretend I’m “bothering” her. Good to hear another woman confirm my suspicions.
November 17, 2011 at 5:00 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Oh, yes. Try it when she’s cleaning the toilet. That will really turn her on.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
November 17, 2011 at 5:51 pm
AriRambles
LOL!!! Jeeez.. those are my best moves… how did you know? 😉
November 17, 2011 at 8:08 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
That’s because they’re every man’s best moves. It doesn’t matter where in the world you go. It’s kind of like the telling your wifey to “hush up” thing I told you about. Universal!
I’m almost done with my post I’m linking back to you. It should go up this weekend. I hope you like it.
Also, thanks for joining in here.
November 19, 2011 at 3:55 am
AriRambles
Sure, eagerly waiting for the post… like your style of writing, and I am sure this post will be a smash hit as well…
Congratulations on being freshly pressed…. cheers 🙂
November 19, 2011 at 4:03 am
Miss Demure Restraint
I’m so sorry Ari. I swear, I have all the graphics done. I went a little crazy. I don’t think I’m going to get finished moderating all the comments in my queue before tomorrow. Then I’m going to sleep. I haven’t had any sleep since being “Pressed” trying so hard to answer the comments (I still have 100+). The good thing is that it will be the first one after being “Pressed” and a lot of people are now “following” the blog. I hope it will be a hit and many people find your blog because of it. I think they will enjoy it as much as I do.
Thanks for the congrats and I’ll be sending you a draft as soon as I have one, so you can see what you’re getting yourself into.
November 18, 2011 at 5:19 am
Rick Gleason
I’m all “hot and bothered” just thinkin’ about all the scenarios you’ve so vividly shared. It’s almost like I’m there with you as I read it! Reality blogging?
Let me catch my breath, then round two?
November 19, 2011 at 4:08 am
Miss Demure Restraint
You guys are all a like. *wink*
Any time you’re ready.
November 18, 2011 at 10:50 am
imperfectous
totally agree on the whole getting seduced and being romanced thing.now i am from an ocean away from you, Africa in a beautiful country called Kenya and well,i think our men would do with this piece of advice and the girls won’t have an issue sharing it!lol. things back here are a bit,i do not know what to say but i will totally start my blog roll and you will be there and they will probably stumble upon this and maybe the ladies will be a bit happier with their bedroom matters!thank you for an amazing piece!
November 19, 2011 at 9:14 am
Miss Demure Restraint
It’s in a man’s genes! You are in Kenya. Were you born there? Your English is flawless. I didn’t realize.
Thanks again.
November 18, 2011 at 1:06 pm
kitkatlikereflexes
HAHA! This is so funny because I’m pretty sure my husband has done every single thing you mentioned, especially the Junk Jiggle. Never fails to make me realize just how tired I am that night… 😉
November 19, 2011 at 6:42 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
LOL. Oh yes, they are such sweet little monkeys . . . the husbands too. 🙂
November 19, 2011 at 7:26 pm
kitkatlikereflexes
You are so funny. Stop making me laugh, or I’ll have to explain this whole thing to hubby.
November 19, 2011 at 8:15 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
I think in their black, little hearts they know. They just can’t help themselves.
Good to see you again.
November 18, 2011 at 2:34 pm
johnhauge
hahahaha! good stuff. then we get old. fall asleep. then wonder what the &$%* happened.
November 19, 2011 at 9:18 am
Miss Demure Restraint
You mean men, of course. Women never get old. At least, you are never suppose to say it.
Thanks for sticking around and checking out the place.
November 20, 2011 at 5:41 pm
johnhauge
back at you. thanks.
November 20, 2011 at 1:55 am
m3lly78
OMG, this post literally made me laugh out loud (with tears in my eyes)! You are too funny. Most importantly, I can relate!!!
November 20, 2011 at 4:33 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Ah! You must be married. LOL. I’m just the messenger. It’s the guys that are really the funny ones. They are so lucky we love them.
Thanks for coming over. I appreciate your visit and comment.
November 22, 2011 at 6:45 am
pepsoid
So speaketh the eternally wise Miss Restraint, agony aunt of the blogosphere… 😉
November 22, 2011 at 3:11 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
Wise? LOL
We are going to have to stop meeting like this. NOT!
November 22, 2011 at 10:10 pm
Random Blogs — What a Laugh! | A View from the Middle
[…] day, I’ve had little burbles of laughter whenever the “junk jiggle” comes to mind (read the post). I’m cracking up now, as a matter of fact — eight hours later. I think it’s amazing that […]
November 22, 2011 at 10:26 pm
Jeannette Monahan
Thank you so much for adding mirth to my day! You inspired my post today. Hope you don’t mind that I linked to you. Twice, I think.
November 22, 2011 at 11:42 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
I’m thrilled you shared my blog on yours. Its something I think I may start doing more often myself. I was just happy when the WP gods chose me, it was a post with (count ’em) five links to blogs I read and love. I couldn’t have planned that better if I had know it was going to happen.
I loved the post and thank you for including me.
December 14, 2011 at 3:51 pm
dinkerson
I think this is funny. I’m still grinning from all the laughing that I did. So don’t take this as being said with an overly serious tone; however, I would interject that many women are every bit as guilty of losing their feminine charms as men are of losing their chivalry.
I really do try every day to demonstrate the same level of reserved pursuit and quiet impressiveness that I initially conjured in order to lure my wife. And god knows that she hasn’t lost whatever she had in those days. So, we’re exempt from the following statements.
That being said, sure some men may shamefully do the wobbling penis dance, but just how determined are women in this effort to keep the romance hot?
What about women who decide that now that they are married, they must give up all their friends and lay about the house all day dressed only in PJ’s?
Or worse yet women who have put their careers ahead of everything and everyone, started wearing power suits, demanded that people at work call them “Sir”, and generally have grown musty, if not downright masculine, in their nether regions? Was it the power suit that initially turned their men’s heads back when they were only teens? Hell no!
What about women who scold their husbands along with the kids, and subsequently make them pick up all their toys? Real sexy, huh? And shame on the castrated, girly husbands for putting up with it too!
Perhaps part of the problem is that somewhere along the way, men forgot how to be masculine and women forgot how to be feminine.
Because of this, we have a difficult time in general impressing our spouses.
Thus, men stay up all night looking at porn while their wives lay in the bed with a laptop looking up dating sites and past boyfriends on facebook, etc.
By the way, I’m very sorry to hear about your sister. Way to be there for her. Wish her all the best from us, K?
December 17, 2011 at 11:17 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
I do not dispute that women contribute their fair share to the loss of romance. Relationships are tough stuff and take an immense amount of hard work.
Thanks for this point of view.