Remember Bruce Campbell in the Army of Darkness?  “Give me some sugar, baby.”  Ash used the line ad nausuem in his pursuit of Sheila.  Sure, eventually he got the girl, but remember, at one point, she turned into a horrible, screaming banshee and tried to murder him with her bare hands.  There’s a lesson in that.

Gentlemen, listen.  Women want to be seduced.  I don’t care how long you’ve been together, the female of the species is wired for it.  You know that any little, romantic gesture and we go all mushy on you.  So how is it that you haven’t figured out the things that turn us into horrible, screaming banshees?  I’ll give you a couple of clues.

There is nothing sexier than being dry humped while performing household chores or anything else for that matter.  I’m always overcome with passion when a man emulates a sex-crazed Chihuahua.  Nothing says I love you and want you like a good dry humping or more effectively activates the pleasure center in the female brain.  

I’m also particularly fond of it when my guy confuses my breasts with Harpo’s horn.  The booby honk (single or double) is among the most seductive moves in any man’s repertoire.  What foreplay would be complete without it?  Oh, and please don’t forget to enhance the moment with a verbal “honk, honk.”  We really like that.

Last, but surely not least, is what I like to call the “Junk Jiggle.”  Most common right after a shower (thank god), this dance of seduction is sure to send any woman into orgasmic bliss.  Sexy, clean man enters the room naked.  So far so good.  He then proceeds to thrust his pelvis back and forth while grinning, winking and nodding.  And they say romance is dead.

There are ways to seduce a woman that will literally make her weak in the knees and guarantee she will be yours.  Then there is the monkey with a football approach.  Sure, the monkey is cute and funny, but do you really want to bet your sex life on it?  So . . .

You want to take a ride on my slip and slide?

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