I’ve become accustom to the laptop sounding like a 747 at take off when I power it up, but the internet beastie just sits there quietly doing whatever it does. What possible reason could it have to electronically implode? No stress, no strain. It’s never been dropped on its head. It’s never been sprayed with soda or showered with food crumbs. It’s never been on any of the seven hour road trips bouncing around the back of the Kia shoved between boxes of vintage treasures. Nobody ever fell asleep on it drooling into the keyboard. Nobody ever stepped on it or kicked it across the room. Nobody ever sent it a virus. It just sits in the corner and works. It is also by far the newest piece of technology I own.
“Internet Explorer cannot display the webpage.” Okay, push the Diagnose Connection Problems and wait. Contact your Internet service provider . . . have they ever tried to contact my ISP or any ISP for that matter? After 30 minutes of patiently explaining to some moron with a script that I cannot connect to the internet, I am finally transferred to an idiot that wants to remote access my computer. Okay, I’m no freakin’ computer genius, but doesn’t my current problem prohibit that? After 30 additional minutes of escalating frustration, the ISP monkey figures out that he can’t remote access my computer. They are sorry, but it must be a hardware problem. “Please hold while we transfer you to hardware support.”
Ten minutes of promotions telling me about the plethora of amazing products and services offered by my ISP and 20 minutes of explaining the problem only to degenerate to pitiful begging not to be transferred back to the moron with the script, I’m told, “Please turn the unit off and back on.” Right, just crawl under the end table after moving the coffee table to shove the heavy-ass, over-sized, oak-framed chair-and-half out of the way. It is, of course, now necessary to continue my troubleshooting efforts under the table as the connecting cables and cords are too short to pull the beastie out to comfortably examine it. I soon determine there is NO on/off switch. I am smart enough to locate an on/off switch should one exist, but convincing the yahoo on the phone of this is a monumental undertaking. “Please unplug the unit from the power source, wait 5 minutes and plug it back in. That will resolve the problem. If it doesn’t, call back.”
Do I have to tell you? After 30 minutes of not-so patiently explaining to a second moron with a script that the hardware yahoo was wrong and the plug/unplug operation failed to result in a satisfactory resolution and the idiots that want to remote access my system will be of no help, I am finally transferred to a hardware baboon. Baboons have a greater level of expertise than the monkeys, morons, yahoos and idiots combined. This baboon requests I locate a long, slender “poking device.” Now “poking device” turns out to be a technical term for paperclip. Locate the small hole in the back of the “unit” and insert the “poking device.” This should result in resetting the “unit.”
Hurray! Success! With the assistance of the ISP baboon, I have now erased the program set up I paid the Geek Squad to perform. Why did I pay the Geeks for this service? I paid so I would not have to fight my way through confusing instructions and hours spent on the phone with my ISP to get the beastie to perform in the manner it was advertised to. ISP baboon assured me it is a quick, simple process I can perform myself. No problem, just locate the now-long-gone instructions I received at the time of purchase or simply go online to get a copy. Did I mention I had no Internet connection?
Thanks be to those kind souls that are the friends of the friends of the friends that donate their time and energy to the benefit of penniless strangers in electronic distress. My savior is only twelve, but due to the genetic manipulation of your species by the master computer planning to take over the earth, this child was born with a knowledge of technology that four years of college and 20 years of working with the beasties has still eluded me. I don’t know how this wonderkid did it, but I’m back and hope it will be a long, long time before I experience my next foray into the world of computer troubleshooting. All I can say is . . . Bless the beasties and the children.
42 comments
Comments feed for this article
November 9, 2011 at 12:52 am
prenin
Glad you’re back with us hun – I had similar problems with my step-father’s PC after he broke every rule I told him and became a butt monkey to the malware creeps he was infected by because he was porn surfing and didn’t want to admit it.
After four hours I got his PC up and running and told him only to check his email because I hadn’t installed the antivirus yet.
The following day I installed the antivirus and found a family of Trojans waiting for me.
So much for listening to the guy who knows what he’s doing…
Love and Squishy hugs!!! 🙂
Prenin.
November 9, 2011 at 1:17 am
Miss Demure Restraint
I swear I don’t know how I got to that porn site . . . really!
Thanks Prenin.
Miss D
November 9, 2011 at 1:06 am
MisplacedBoy
“The wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat, the calf and the lion and the yearling together; and a little child will lead them.” Isaiah 11:6
Glad a child led you back into the world of the internet. Now get back to doing what’s really important: Reading and commenting on my blog 😉
November 9, 2011 at 1:18 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Yes Sir! Be right there.
November 9, 2011 at 1:45 am
nevercontrary
Technology can’t live with it can’t live without it
November 9, 2011 at 2:26 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Oh, I’d say . . . can’t live without it, can’t live without it. It felt like I lost a limb or something.
November 9, 2011 at 4:23 am
barkinginthedark
one of my great fears is that one day i’ll click “on” and nothing will happen. i feel your pain girl. i am officially a slave to technology. O brave new world. continue…
November 9, 2011 at 7:31 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Scary to have your fate in the hands of a child. Of course, I saved the phone number should future consulting services be required.
November 9, 2011 at 4:24 am
barkinginthedark
p.s. still, with it all, a very witty post.
November 9, 2011 at 7:31 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Thank you good sir.
November 9, 2011 at 4:55 am
lorrelee1970
Don’t you just love folks whose only job requirement is to be able to read straight from the script??!!?? I hope you didn’t interrupt them, that would’ve really screwed them up.
November 9, 2011 at 7:36 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Perhaps if I had let them run through their script, it would have taken less time. Its not my nature to do so and I suffer. Believe me, I suffer. How hard is it really? The best part was the referral to their FAQ section of their website. And I can’t get a job . . . what’s wrong with this picture?
November 9, 2011 at 7:19 am
underwhelmer
It’s amazing how bad computers are at telling you what’s wrong with them when they’re offline. I always seem to get the ambiguous “something’s wrong with the inter-webs” message. I usually stare at my computer for a few minutes and regret my liberal arts degree before I break down and ask someone of a computer science background for help.
November 9, 2011 at 7:41 am
Miss Demure Restraint
True confession . . . I hold a degree in Computer Science. Unfortunately, my ability to program mainframes in COBOL hasn’t had any value since the Y2K scare. I’m a dinosaur with more computing power in my cell phone than the equipment I once worked on. BTW, I not very adept with the cell phone either.
November 9, 2011 at 12:35 pm
ldsrr91
Aren’t these things neat? They were supposed to improve our lives, not complicate them. i just spent three hours on mine tonight updating it to new software, there is 90 minutes of my life I will never get back … for what?
Don’t even get me started on cellphones!
DS
November 9, 2011 at 2:44 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
I’ve come to hate software updates. That major update for MS Office gave me fits. Being the OU (original user) that I am, I didn’t have to think about what I was doing or how to do it . . . it was second-nature. Then . . . Pow! Bam! As with so much computer-related these days, I was stranded with outdated skills and had to start over.
Well, onward and upward . . . I think.
November 9, 2011 at 1:48 pm
zendictive
I could write a book on “Insurance; because your computer is going to crash on the inter-net highway” (grin) glad your back with us.
November 9, 2011 at 2:46 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
Now there’s an untapped market . . . computer insurance. Maybe once the ecomony gets better? If I had the $$$ I’d buy it.
November 9, 2011 at 2:10 pm
prenin
Hi hun! 🙂
The pharmacy are playing games to force me to accept six days supply instead of 28 so I have to come back for more the following week.
If that means I have to be psychotic before they deign to give me my required meds then so be it.
What that means is that, for the first time in my life, I’m going to issue a formal complaint – and I’m scared to death given that my childhood problems make me frightened to complain about ANYTHING…
Friday is crunch day…
Love and hugs!
Prenin.
November 9, 2011 at 2:48 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
You stand your ground, Sweetie. Hell, what more can they do to you? I understand though and am sending you good thoughts.
Miss D
November 9, 2011 at 2:23 pm
John
I’ve found a well placed whack with a ball peen hammer also works wonders.
November 9, 2011 at 2:50 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
Yes, if nothing else it would make me feel better! I used to talk nice to the beasties, now I simply curse them.
November 9, 2011 at 3:49 pm
prenin
Thanks hun! 🙂
Sometimes we have to stand our ground against those who take pleasure in wielding power – no matter how little…
Love and hugs!
Prenin.
November 9, 2011 at 4:53 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
Anytime dear.
November 9, 2011 at 10:09 pm
ldsrr91
All power corrupts … but absolute power … now that is kinda cool.
LDS
November 9, 2011 at 10:56 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
Power a tricky thing. Not sure I’m too interested in absolute power.
MDR
November 10, 2011 at 12:28 am
Androgoth
Yes what a farce, but your laptop might be in need of a good clean up, for instance how often do you clean your registry out miss. D and don’t be saying never or else? 🙂
You see everywhere you go on the Internet you are picking up uneccesary bulk in the form of registry errors and these, over time will most definitely slow your laptop or pc down to a grinding halt… of course there is a wicked solution to this problem and it involves cleaning up your registry, well it’s not exactly rocket science but it would help a great deal you know, and the good news is, is that there are free registry cleaners available too, so how about that for a brilliant solution to a flagging and very slow working pc?
Anyway I have waffled on quite enough and you did manage to solve your initial problem so well done to you for that, as those mind boggling boffins get on everyone’s nerves with their techno rambling ways don’t they Miss. D? 🙂 Yes I am going next 🙂 lol
Have a wonderful rest of day and a ghoulishly exciting evening also 🙂
Androgoth XXx
November 10, 2011 at 12:45 am
Miss Demure Restraint
So just what is the “or else?” Would I like it? I’m afraid I have never cleaned my registry out. I do clear out the cookies and that kind of stuff, but, honestly, the registry scares me silly. So what registry cleaner would you recommend? I’d really, really appreciate your input!
Now you make sure you have a deathly delightful evening.
Miss D xxx
November 10, 2011 at 1:35 am
Androgoth
I will suggest the one that I am using and it is very good indeed but never try to use anything but the basic setting as the advanced section is for the expert techno boffins only, I never mess with it and use the basic clean up that is already set up as standard.
You can find this Free Registry Cleaner on http://www.auslogics.com and I find it very useful my wickedly fine friend, but as I have already mentioned do not try any of the advanced settings otherwise it might remove something that you don’t want it to, however it does have a back-up option so that any alterations can quite easily be set back how they were prior to any clean up so that is a very good idea, and I am pleased that you do a cookie dumping session as those little critters will be watching everywhere that you go otherwise 🙂
If you do decide on that Registry Cleaner make sure that it covers your computer / laptop, like for instance… XP, Windows 7 or whatever…
Blimey another long comment 🙂 lol
Have fun now Miss. D and be good
(The ‘Or Else’ Is usually Something
Extremely Wicked 🙂 lol)
Androgoth XXx
November 10, 2011 at 4:19 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Thank you good sir. I will indeed be visiting your recommended site. I will also heed your warnings. They are appreciated.
“Extremely Wicked,” oh boy!
You have a fine, feisty time, my friend,
Miss D xxx
November 10, 2011 at 3:41 pm
Androgoth
When you do go to the Auslogics website you need to scroll the page down to the Free Registry Cleaner, if you look at all the feedback etc, you will gain a better understanding of it’s true value…
Have a wicked one today Miss. D 🙂
Androgoth XXx
November 10, 2011 at 5:02 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
Thanks again A. You are my hero. 😉
Miss D xxx
November 10, 2011 at 10:37 pm
Phil's Lounge
Hey Miss D,
I see you’re still referring to primates in your posts..lol!
Well I’m glad you’re back online…
You still use Internet Explorer? wow, Version 9 is the only one worth bothering with (only if you’re laptop has the Windows 7 operating system).
I won’t use Chrome (for many reasons) but if you want to surf the net quickly try Opera (http://www.opera.com) or Firefox (https://www.mozilla.org).
ISPs are so quick to complain and slap on charges if your payments are late, but never quick to compensate, if the service goes down from their end…funny that.
November 11, 2011 at 1:08 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Amen! As the the primates, I’m bedoming rather fond of them. Alas, I’m in the Stone Age a running Vista on my laptop. I probably won’t upgrade the software, just wait to get a new computer. I think I might have a Mozilla icon on my desktop, but I’m an old dog.
Thanks for the tips. You never know I just might try one of them.
November 12, 2011 at 6:58 am
pepsoid
Get an apple! Much simpler… 🙂
November 12, 2011 at 7:25 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Oh, but I’m a PC. Besides, I could never afford an Apple. Used them when I worked as a graphic artist, but for my personal use its always been PC for me. Besides, I’m hooked up now. I got a kid for all my computer repair needs. 😉
November 12, 2011 at 10:38 am
pepsoid
Hang are, you *are* a PC? No wonder you feel so disconnected when the internet isn’t working.
Re Apples, yes they are pricier beasts, and if not for my partner, the photographer, using an iMac for her business, we may not have converted to Appledom. Since we have, though, we’ve never looked back! I am actually writing this on an oldish iBook G4, which was bought 2nd hand for £200, so didn’t have to spend too much on this.
And did I say Apples are simpler?
But then I don’t have a junior techno-boff on tap…
November 12, 2011 at 1:41 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
I don’t know anybody using a computer for graphics on a professional level that isn’t using Apple. Being the old dog I am . . . one of my first jobs was working with the original market offerings for “desktop” computers. I was in an R&D environment and fresh from earning my Computer Science Degree. Being a junior, junior member of the IS Department (Information Systems was what it was called back then), I was happy to work with the then new tech (looked down upon as not “real” computers) instead of spending hours debugging some senior programmer’s code. The Apple (they weren’t even MACs yet) freaked me out, what with the mouse and so little control over the system level functions. You had to have programming chops back then to interact with the beasties . . . except the Apples. Over the decades I’ve watched the two morph to the point they are more the same than they are different. I think the only real obstacle for my owning an Apple anymore is the price. I’m cheap. I admit it.
I think its the old Chevy vs Ford thing. I’m Chevy, but I loved my Ford truck. Sometimes we form an affinity for a brand early in life and it becomes A a part of your “being.” It doesn’t follow logic and it almost never makes sense.
I’m going to stop now. 🙂 A pleasure as always.
November 13, 2011 at 7:37 am
pepsoid
Apples do have their faults, of course. A pleasure when they are crunchy and sweet, but sometimes you can bite down on a “worm” you didn’t even know existed.
November 13, 2011 at 1:31 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
I’m shocked! Apples have faults? Oh, the kind you eat. Wow, for a minute there I thought you meant the computers, but then that couldn’t be. “Macs” are so fiercely loyal.
LOL.
November 14, 2011 at 7:31 am
pepsoid
(… actually I did mean the computers, but don’t tell any of my fellow Mac-users …)
November 14, 2011 at 8:24 am
Miss Demure Restraint
I won’t tell. Won’t want to get you in trouble.