Dear Hiring Monkey,
You have indicated only applicants providing a “custom” cover letter will be considered for the underpaid, dead-end position you are seeking to fill. I am happy to comply. Sure, I have a finely-crafted, informative cover letter I modify for use in conjunction with my professional and well-written resume when applying for employment. I am, however, certain it would not provide what you need to assess my ability to perform your abysmal inventory of responsibilities or meet your incongruous catalog of qualifications. I’m unemployed and have nothing better to do than write such a letter. I will strive to use proper spelling, punctuation and formatting, unlike your advertisement. Still, who am I to criticize? You have a job and I don’t.
It may not be obvious to you from said resume that I have twenty plus years of experience in my field as well as significant accomplishments and formal education. I could do the job as presented in your ad half asleep with one hand tied behind my back. Of course, I am unclear what “other duties as assigned” entails, but I’m confident I am capable of completing any undertaking you might require. I will perform beyond your expectations as a team playing independent worker. I have excellent problem-solving skills and the ability to work unsupervised, but would never dream of applying same without the expressed and written permission of a micro-managing superior. I live to make my boss look good and provide great ideas that others will take credit for.
I believe in work – life balance . . . for those that have climbed your corporate ladder much higher than I might ever aspire to and fully expect to work late nights and weekends assuring upper management goals and objectives are met. How else can your organization afford bonuses for those so much more deserving than I? I understand my place in the hierarchy and appreciate the unstated obligation to drown if necessary so my manager can stand on my shoulders to keep his/her head above water. I also make an exceptional scapegoat should the need ever arise.
I ask only minimal payment for my labors and have no need for acknowledgement of my contributions in the form of either praise or compensation. I understand you cannot shoulder the expense of inconsequential perks such as medical insurance, paid time off or retirement and the cost for any benefits will be paid for by me plus, of course, a small administrative fee.
I hope this letter gives you better insight for gauging my considerable talents and how valuable an addition I would be to the staff of your fine company. Let’s get together and talk. Over coffee perhaps? Of course, I’m glad to pick up the tab.
Thank you for your time and consideration in this matter.
77 comments
Comments feed for this article
November 2, 2011 at 6:35 am
Oracle of the Pearl
“Dear Hiring Monkey,”…
Please stop making me laugh so hard. I just choked on my spit.
November 2, 2011 at 6:37 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Do you think I should start using this as my standard cover letter? They may hate me, but at least they will know I applied!
November 2, 2011 at 7:00 am
Oracle of the Pearl
Why, yes. I should think you would quite stand out. Someone might find you intriguing and imagine you possess just the sass they need. At the very least, they would have to admire your writing skills!
Personally, I really think you should include the monkey pic.
November 2, 2011 at 7:03 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Should I decide to send this cover letter, the picture is an absolute must!
November 2, 2011 at 9:40 pm
Simply Tim
Give it a shot. You may be surprised. If I were “Hiring Monkey”, your letter would go immediately to the top of the heap. No, wait. I’d keep your letter and throw the damn heap into the shredder.
November 2, 2011 at 9:55 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
I’m just a big, fat chicken. I sat at my laptop, again today, writing an e-mail explaining how I met some start-up’s criteria. All the while envisioning the Hiring Monkey scratching his balls trying to figure out what all the big words meant.
Maybe my employment fairy will take pity on me and throw me a bone soon. Maybe some Hiring Monkey will see my post and give me a job ’cause I’m just so f-ing fabulous. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Thanks for the support and encouragement Tim.
November 4, 2011 at 5:10 pm
Anne Schilde
I’m not a hiring monkey, but I do screen applicants and give interviews. You would be amazed at how many cover letters I don’t bother with because they’re just another standard form butchered with bad English, irrelevant qualifications, and other things that scream, “There’s a reason I’m unemployed!” That’s after the monkeys already sifted through them. I read every word of yours! 🙂 And I would definitely read your resume. I’d be really curious to see what happened if you really used this, but you know, maybe on a company you’re less excited about first to test the waters. Good luck with your search!!
November 9, 2011 at 1:04 am
Miss Demure Restraint
They say truth is the best policy, but it doesn’t pay the bills. I was considering going back are re-applying a couple of jobs, but then I got a call from a resume sent over a month ago. I’m a big chicken . . . shortly to be a skinny chicken.
Thanks for your input.
November 2, 2011 at 7:51 am
wacked
hahahah awessommeeeee =D
November 2, 2011 at 8:22 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Glad you liked it.
November 2, 2011 at 9:03 am
ladywithatruck
Hilarious!!!!! They say a person should make their resume stand out from the rest and the cover letter is a large part of that; first impression and all. This one would stand out that’s for sure!
I’d be curious to see if you got called for an interview and I’d bet you would. Someone with a sense of humor would be intrigued.
I say go for it!!
November 2, 2011 at 2:46 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
Thanks Lady. The only problem as I see it is the vast majority of hiring monkeys do not have the capacity to appreciate my finer qualities. I have considered going back through the copious number of applications I have already sent with no reply and reapplying with this cover letter. What could it hurt? But then there’s that thing about burnt bridges.
November 2, 2011 at 11:26 am
prenin
Oh the number of jobs I applied to that could have used this letter!!! LOL!!!
Brilliant work hun! 🙂
God Bless!
Prenin.
November 2, 2011 at 2:49 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
Prenin,
Please feel free to use it in any future job search you may embark on. I strove to make it generic enough to be used by most anyone.
Glad you like it.
Miss D
November 2, 2011 at 1:32 pm
John
Brilliant! If this hit the desk of right hiring manager you could probably get an interview based on this alone. The unfortunate part is (in my experience) most hiring managers have absolutely no sense of individuality and therefore would not recognize the genius in this letter.
November 2, 2011 at 2:53 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
Ergo . . . Hiring Monkey!
Genius? May I use you as a personal reference?
November 4, 2011 at 4:35 pm
John
Absolutely!
(My fees are very reasonable.)
November 9, 2011 at 1:07 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Reasonable as in free? I’m so broke I can’t even pay attention.
November 2, 2011 at 2:01 pm
keri
ohhh that’s rich.. love it. I have heard of almost every combo request when seeking employment, …. never this. I mean, how the BLEEP do they know it’s not a brand new, never before written, personalized cover letter and what’s the BLEEPIN difference? Give Me A BREAK.. you got me started this mornin with this. And I could not have expressed my scentiments more better.. LOL.. you’re great.
November 2, 2011 at 2:59 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
That’s what I want to know. Is there some big cover letter database in the “Cloud” available only to Hiring Monkeys? Do they check each letter to see if its been used before? How much do I have to change for it to be “custom?” Now you’ve got me going.
Thank you . . . Thank you very much.
November 2, 2011 at 3:49 pm
underwhelmer
There’s so much out there as to what the “right” resume looks like that I’m not even sure that the HR types even know what they are looking for anymore. Seeing all the chatter out there on the web, it looks as though blind luck and/or connections land people jobs more often than any other factors. 😦
November 2, 2011 at 4:08 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
Don’t have any connections anymore . . . That’s what happens when you work one place too long.
So, here’s to blind luck.
Thanks for stopping over.
November 2, 2011 at 6:42 pm
prenin
Hi hun! 🙂
I spoke too soon it seems: I had an episode last night which was far from pleasant, but I’m still ticking over.
The only thing is that I’m STILL waiting to be told my heart monitor is ready to be fitted and to add to the fun I have three pairs of spectacles on order so I’ll also have to go get them too!
This month has been a bad one money wise, but I have savings enough to cover for now as long as I get back to saving next month.
Christmas really sucks when you are struggling financially, but at least I have Pat and the family to look forward to! 🙂
If I drop dead tomorrow it’ll be in the knowledge that I have left a lot of good behind me that’ll live on forever.
Love and hugs!
Prenin.
November 2, 2011 at 7:26 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
“drop dead tomorrow” Now we will be having none of that kind of talk. You still have a lot of good to do, so take care of yourself.
Miss D
November 3, 2011 at 2:11 pm
prenin
Yes boss! 🙂
Love and squishy hugs!
Prenin.
November 9, 2011 at 1:14 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Anything to keep the monkeys happy. Maybe I should send bananas?
November 2, 2011 at 8:59 pm
Simply Tim
Ah, “you make writers everywhere proud”.
It is a pleasure adding you to my blogroll.
November 2, 2011 at 9:49 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
Why, thank you, dear. I take it as a double honor as it comes from the UberStrike guy.
May you be the angel on my shoulder, should I ever need a quick-witted escape.
November 2, 2011 at 10:59 pm
Phil's Lounge
Lol!….Hahahaaaa…..
They say laughter is good medicine…you’re dishing it out in bucket loads….lol!
November 2, 2011 at 11:13 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
Thank you . . . Thank you very much.
The unemployed, snarky writer has left the building.
She’s out scouting property available under a nearby bridge.
November 2, 2011 at 11:40 pm
barkinginthedark
u so baaaad girl… wicked sarcasm gets me hot every time. continue…
November 2, 2011 at 11:45 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
I seem to get everybody hot, but the hiring monkeys. Why don’t they like me? *snark*
November 3, 2011 at 12:11 am
Androgoth
Yes with a cover letter such as this one you should have no difficulty in acquiring the top job, I mean with inventiveness and that pure wicked thought processing skill that you have then one can achieve much… Perhaps a job as an assassin would be good, well all those ex bosses with nothing in those rattling empty washed out and useless craniums would be first on the list but I can see that you have excellent potential, well you used to be a naughty drive-in movie Nurse remember and that is something really exhilarating, even if those loons at the corporate level have no brains and clearly they don’t otherwise you would have been snapped up for a high profile job ages ago…
Just keep plugging away at those job opportunities and keep all your options open, in other words only choose the most wicked of the bunch, maybe something extremely electrifying, the thrill of the moment can be an enjoyable experience, but don’t be taking on any dangerous jobs such as parachute buddy hopping or surfing geek, well only if you are into sporting excellence with hunky guys with no practicality, but make sure they are rich so that you bonuses can be extra specially inflated and… Okay so you want something much more down to earth, maybe an instructor of some kind, nothing naughty though…
Perhaps an entrepreneur will offer you a job, well i hope that whatever comes along that it will be exciting, have a wonderful salary and keep you very happy with numerous holidays, lots of extras and at least three months a year off in the land of naughtiness, wherever that is? 🙂 By the way did I ever mention that I often talk Bollocks? 🙂 😉 lol
Have a great rest of day and evening Miss. D and don’t worry that job you are seeking is just around the next corner 🙂
Androgoth XXx
November 3, 2011 at 1:39 am
Miss Demure Restraint
You know I thought destiny had called with the naughty store opportunity. How perfect Miss Demure Restraint working with adult toys, but fate is fickle.
I’m trying to keep a good attitude and a smile on my face. You know you are one to the people that help me do that everyday.
Sweet dreams of virgin necks and comfy coffins,
Miss D
November 3, 2011 at 3:33 pm
prenin
Yes, Andro never ceases to amuse! 🙂
Hope you get a job soon hun – here in the UK things are bad and set to get worse jobwise, I guess I’m just lucky to be insane as I can run for Parliament… 😉
Love and hugs!
Prenin.
November 9, 2011 at 1:16 am
Miss Demure Restraint
I’m sure I could qualify for the insane thing, but it wouldn’t help here in the US . . . the Republicans aren’t taking applications . . . they have more crazies than there are offices to run for.
November 3, 2011 at 8:51 pm
Androgoth
Thank you for the comfy coffin bit, however that Uncle Onslo flicks his bones in there and after a week of hunting that’s a lot of bones… Luckily I don’t sleep much in the evenings due to all that neck biting activity but you can be assured that I have a harem of naughty nymphs cleaning and polishing until my return… Of course Uncle Onslo always pinches things, usually those nymphs bottoms if they happen to bend down at the wrong moment, so how kinky is that Miss. D? 🙂 lol
I hope that you are getting your mum all packed up and ready for shipping all her worldly collectables to her welcoming abode? 🙂 Your place is going to seem enormous when your lovely mum has gone back home 🙂 But what about all the fun you will have… Now that will definitely be very exciting and wicked of course 🙂
Have a fangtastic evening now 🙂
Androgoth XXx
November 9, 2011 at 1:13 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Fangtastic? Love it.
Miss D xxx
November 3, 2011 at 12:25 am
Wayside Artist
Miss D,
I’m suffering a chill after reading your post. I need to wrap up in my comfy sweater and count my blessings that I don’t have to look for work just now. It’s not the economy, it’s the mind numbing, vapid corporate world – business as god. You have to deliver some unknown gift to its great, cavernous maw, and hope it is accepted so you can enter within. I’m with Simply Tim. Send a few of your spot on letters out. See what happens. Someone’s bound to appreciate your wit and writing. Might get a nibble with your version of a “Bass Master 2011.”
November 3, 2011 at 1:44 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Its tough out there and the corporate world is welding their power mercilessly to beat down the former middle class. As far as sending the letter goes, HR monkeys have not only drunk the Kool-Aide, they are responsible for dispensing it. I’d have to get real lucking to find one with a sense of humor and no stick protruding from their arse.
Thanks for the support though.
November 3, 2011 at 9:57 pm
cordieb
Great cover letter, Miss Dee! I regrettably must inform you that although your background is quite remarkable, in order to meet the basic qualifications, your letter must be hand-written with a feather pen in caligraphy and sealed with type O blood. 🙂 Thank you for your interest with the Monkey Corp.
November 9, 2011 at 1:13 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Anybody got Type O?
November 10, 2011 at 5:36 am
cordieb
At the Monkey Corp., typos are abundant; especially among those with graduate degrees. However, in the blood transfusion world, type O is very rare and always in demand because it is universal and can be used by all humans. However, I’m not really sure if it can be used by monkeys. Please excuse my typos – my type O count is rather low these days!
November 10, 2011 at 5:54 am
Miss Demure Restraint
*smiling ear to ear*
November 5, 2011 at 2:01 am
MisplacedBoy
Dear Ms. Restraint
After looking over your resume and cover letter we regret to inform you that you are entirely too intelligent to fill any of our piece of shit positions at this time.
We will, however, keep your letter and resume on file and will bring it out if any of us who do work here need a bitter laugh at our own expense.
We wish you luck in your job search and we hope you find a much better job than anything we could provide at this crap factory.
Sincerely,
H. Monkey
November 9, 2011 at 12:54 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Thank you, Mr. Monkey. I needed that laugh.
November 5, 2011 at 7:27 am
pepsoid
Now I’m no life coach or employment specialist or owt, but with your writing skills, I really do suspect you should be aiming hirer than “Corporate Admin Bod” or whatever. I have no idea of the job market in your area, but I do know that us creative types have an unfortunate tendency to lack in appreciation of our own talents… so what I am trying to say is, don’t sell yourself short!
That said, I love this piece – both hilarious and scarily truthful. And I can safely say that things don’t seem to be any different in the part of the world in which I abide (the UK, that is). I have also applied for (and mostly avoided applying for) many a position requiring “team playing independent workers” and the like – which, along with similar meaningless statements, is just another way of saying, “We want you to be able to do whatever we ask of you and be an all-round average person who can do a bit of everything but excels in nothing.” To be so average and nothing-y (or at least pretend to be) is quite a skill!
That said, good luck and all that – and I sincerely hope you find employment which provides happiness and fulfillment… 🙂
November 9, 2011 at 12:52 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Thanks P. I know things are tough all over. I’d love to find that special job that engages and challenges, but at this moment in time, I’ll settle for anything that gets the mortgage paid and keeps the lights on. Sad, but true.
Nice seeing you out and about.
November 5, 2011 at 9:18 am
Soul
Hello Miss Demure R.
I’m here to give you many greetings and wish you a magical weekend.
Soul.
November 9, 2011 at 12:49 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Thank you Soul. I’ve been trapped in the real world and just getting back.
I’ll be making the rounds shortly. Thanks for the greetings.
November 5, 2011 at 11:09 am
prenin
Thanks hun – you have a great weekend too!!! 🙂
Love and hugs!
Prenin.
November 5, 2011 at 7:12 pm
Androgoth
Hey are you getting some relaxing done Miss. D
it is the weekend and time for another blog… Maybe
something wicked with a touch of the naughty? lol
I do hope that you have some job offers this week
as that will certainly boost your wickedness, I might
even send a few Skeletons round to your place for
a bit, noooo I mean for a bit of a nosy 🙂 Right I will
return to My Gothic Realm and check the Zombies
out next, the lady ones always get a tad frisky at
weekends, it must be all those brains on offer 🙂
Have fun now, I always do 🙂
Androgoth XXx
November 9, 2011 at 12:48 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Be over in a minute to see what diabolical delights you’ve posted in my absense.
Miss D xxx
November 7, 2011 at 3:35 pm
Androgoth
Hey where have you disappeared to Miss. D…
Hmm… Now you could be relaxing at some Spa
or taking in the Zzzzz’s, or maybe you have the
interviews to frequent, or…
Well whatever you are getting up to, I hope that
you are enjoying yourself 🙂 Be good now Miss. D
Androgoth XXx
November 9, 2011 at 12:46 am
Miss Demure Restraint
No spa. No zzzz. Just computer hell!
Thanks for asking Andro!
Miss D xxx
November 7, 2011 at 5:16 pm
heretherebespiders
Isn’t every cover letter custom? You at least have to change the ‘to:’ line… Maybe they are thinking the way I’ve been advised; do some research and quote their own ‘mission statement’ back to them. No, that’s not soul-sucking, not at all.
Thanks for the laugh you gave to someone in the same boat as you! Now, where’s the oar…
November 9, 2011 at 12:45 am
Miss Demure Restraint
What a wonderful idea . . . the mission statement thing. Only one problem, so many of them don’t say who they are. What ya gonna do?
The latest new employment torment . . . telephone interviews. Just did my first one. Wouldn’t want to burn any bridges, but I can’t wait to write about it.
Thanks for stopping by and good luck finding that oar.
November 9, 2011 at 12:21 am
cover letter for employment application | Resume Cover Letter Example
[…] So You Want a Custom Cover Letter with This Job Application … Sure, I have a finely-crafted, informative cover letter I modify for use in conjunction with my professional and well-written resume when applying for employment. I am, however, certain it would not provide what you need to …http://missdemurerestraint.wor .. […]
November 9, 2011 at 1:35 am
Miss Demure Restraint
I found this in my spam and had to check it out . . . Hiring Monkeys of the world beware . . . my cover letter is now featured as an example for those searching for help with crafting their personal cover letters. LMAO!
November 9, 2011 at 3:41 am
cover letter for job application | Resume Cover Letter Example
[…] So You Want a Custom Cover Letter with This Job Application « Miss … Yes with a cover letter such as this one you should have no difficulty in acquiring the top job, I mean with inventiveness and that pure wicked thought processing skill that you have then one can achieve much… …http://missdemurerestraint.wor .. […]
November 9, 2011 at 7:29 am
Miss Demure Restraint
And again. Can anyone imagine some poor sucker plagiarizing my letter and sending it? I’m loving it. Might get some readers out of it.
November 11, 2011 at 12:01 am
Bob T Panda
Oh Miss D.R. what a wonderful letter. I would copy it and try to get a job, but after 25 years of self employment I find I am completely unemployable. If I had a job to give, I would hire you. Alas the only hiring monkey in my company died of starvation 2 weeks ago.
Panda On
Bob T.
November 11, 2011 at 1:57 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Thank you so much Bob T. I’m beginning to think after 25 years of regular employment, I may be completely unemployable as well.
I’m sorry for the loss of your hiring monkey. I think the pandas will more than fill the monkey’s shoes. Besides, they are cuter!
November 12, 2011 at 3:37 am
Bob T Panda
So true…those H. Monkeys had that “unsightly butt” thing going. Oh way TMI! Hiring Pandas would be so much more fun! Oh you may have inspired a new cartoon. (Don’t get excited, there is no money in that.)
November 12, 2011 at 4:07 am
Miss Demure Restraint
I wouldn’t even want money . . . to be part of a Panda cartoon would Pandastic!
November 12, 2011 at 7:43 pm
Bob T Panda
It’s sort of part of your 15 minutes of fame, as allocated by the late Andy Warhol. This will be deleted from your account.
November 12, 2011 at 10:18 pm
Miss Demure Restraint
No, anything but deletion. Maybe you could loan me a panda or two as protection.
November 17, 2011 at 2:41 am
Ben-onelegatatime
A recent online application I saw required an answer for the question, “How long would you plan to work for Company X?” Of course, the implication is that any answer other than “I would be honored if you find me worthy to work for you until I die” will send you straight to the rejects pile.
Employers seem to be enjoying that they have their potential workforce over a barrel these days, no?
November 17, 2011 at 5:10 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Enjoying is a mild word . . . more like fiendishly torture and torment the job seeking public. I have seen want ads with 20 questions they want answered as well as a custom cover letter and resume, BTW the questions are all essay. I have found, it takes a minimum of one hour to submit an application. I’m submitting between 50 and 60 per week. You do the math. I can’t wait to get a job so I’ll have some free time again.
Thanks again for commenting, Ben, not Bob.
November 17, 2011 at 7:08 am
pepsoid
Ridiculous! Who would actually honestly say, “I intend to only stick it out for a few months until something better comes along.”
Do they actually want the most creative lies, rather than something resembling honesty?
November 17, 2011 at 8:27 am
Miss Demure Restraint
We are talking about corporations here. Perhaps they are just checking to see how well you can lie. It seems to be one of the skills they most value.
November 18, 2011 at 5:34 am
pepsoid
Indeed!
November 17, 2011 at 7:09 am
pepsoid
Another great quote, MDR…
“I can’t wait to get a job so I’ll have some free time again.”
Keep ’em coming! 😉
November 18, 2011 at 10:15 pm
Blogging, Awards, and Embarrassing Facts-In Other Words, Mom, Skim this One « Antigone's Clamor
[…] Miss Demure Restraint […]
November 24, 2011 at 5:54 am
Miss Demure Restraint
Thank you for this recognition. I will be setting up Pages to handle blog awards. They should be ready to go by the weekend.
January 12, 2012 at 6:48 pm
Eagle-Eyed Editor
I don’t think I’ve ever read a funnier, more eloquent cover letter. You rock!
May 30, 2012 at 10:08 pm
philosophermouseofthehedge
Finely crafted indeed.
The only thing that could possible improve it would be to bold these “I live to make my boss look good and provide great ideas that others will take credit for.” and ” I also make an exceptional scapegoat should the need ever arise.”
In fact those 2 sentences might be enough…seems like that’s what people want these days.
Just wandering around today and found this. Thanks for the chuckles