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Dear Hiring Monkey,

You have indicated only applicants providing a “custom” cover letter will be considered for the underpaid, dead-end position you are seeking to fill.  I am happy to comply.  Sure, I have a finely-crafted, informative cover letter I modify for use in conjunction with my professional and well-written resume when applying for employment.  I am, however, certain it would not provide what you need to assess my ability to perform your abysmal inventory of responsibilities or meet your incongruous catalog of qualifications.  I’m unemployed and have nothing better to do than write such a letter.  I will strive to use proper spelling, punctuation and formatting, unlike your advertisement.  Still, who am I to criticize?  You have a job and I don’t. 

It may not be obvious to you from said resume that I have twenty plus years of experience in my field as well as significant accomplishments and formal education.  I could do the job as presented in your ad half asleep with one hand tied behind my back.  Of course, I am unclear what “other duties as assigned” entails, but I’m confident I am capable of completing any undertaking you might require.  I will perform beyond your expectations as a team playing independent worker.  I have excellent problem-solving skills and the ability to work unsupervised, but would never dream of applying same without the expressed and written permission of a micro-managing superior.  I live to make my boss look good and provide great ideas that others will take credit for.

I believe in work – life balance . . . for those that have climbed your corporate ladder much higher than I might ever aspire to and fully expect to work late nights and weekends assuring upper management goals and objectives are met.  How else can your organization afford bonuses for those so much more deserving than I?  I understand my place in the hierarchy and appreciate the unstated obligation to drown if necessary so my manager can stand on my shoulders to keep his/her head above water.  I also make an exceptional scapegoat should the need ever arise.

I ask only minimal payment for my labors and have no need for acknowledgement of my contributions in the form of either praise or compensation.  I understand you cannot shoulder the expense of inconsequential perks such as medical insurance, paid time off or retirement and the cost for any benefits will be paid for by me plus, of course, a small administrative fee. 

I hope this letter gives you better insight for gauging my considerable talents and how valuable an addition I would be to the staff of your fine company.  Let’s get together and talk.  Over coffee perhaps?  Of course, I’m glad to pick up the tab.

Thank you for your time and consideration in this matter.

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November 2011