I have a love/hate relationship with my blog right now. I know how the game is played. To be honest there have been times I have freely participated, even enjoyed the challenge . . . the rush of watching the hit count climb. Then there are the times I want to scream, “Go away. Don’t look here. There’s nothing to see. It’s mine and I don’t want you Peeping Toms looking at me, passing judgment on my work, my heart, my soul.” Then I stop myself and ask, “Why do I do it?”
Every writer wants to be read, wants their work to touch someone, anyone. I’m no different. I have a “friend” that has made a couple of references to my not being consistent about writing. Oh my dear, you couldn’t be more wrong. I’m always writing. I’m just not always posting. I have two computers each with half a dozen or more documents open all the time . . . works in progress . . . simmering . . . waiting to be released into the bloggy world. Most will get nothing more than a quick polish before being submitted for judgment. I can’t say why I hold them back. Could it be I fear rejection? Could it be I feel pressure to compete?
When I started I had no expectations. If I got a couple of hits I was thrilled. If I got a comment, I was overjoyed. Now here I am almost two years later confused as to what I’m doing in the blogoshere. I have been tortured for the past few days over the whole blogger culture. A couple of things have happened this week that have brought things to a head . . . one good and one very upsetting. They have been on my mind to the exclusion of all else and I guess I need to purge. I need to wipe the slate clean and start over.
I do not want to be ungrateful or diminish the acknowledgement both given and received and I certainly don’t want to be a “poohpooher” of peer recognition. That said, I got my first “blog award.” I don’t know how I feel about it. I never pursued one and I most assuredly didn’t expect it from the one that bestowed it. I passed it on and I am sincere in my admiration of those I “awarded” it to. They are all excellent writers that often make me feel as if I am not worthy. The reason I participated at all was in veneration of these other bloggers. In my heart I have to question what feels like a “blog chain letter.” If I was one of seven awarded and the one I got it from was one of seven awards and they were one of seven by seven by seven, etc., then shouldn’t everyone have it eventually? Maybe that’s the objective. I decided to take it as some small recognition from a fellow and an opportunity to promote blogs I enjoy reading. I still feel odd about the whole thing.
That was the good thing by the way. The truly troubling event happened under my comments. I have had a policy of approving any comment that was not vulgar. I had only strayed from that guideline three times applying to seven comments. Three were comments approaching me regarding a former association with a man I wrote about early in my blog days. Three of the comments were from a former lover that where part of an electronic campaign to hurt me and were vulgar in their own way. The other comment was on a piece written about a friend and not approved at her request. I have approved some pretty harsh words, but I don’t expect everyone to be nice or praise my work. I’m a big girl and I have put myself out there by posting my thoughts and feelings.
I now have to reassess my strategy where comments are concerned. There was a comment made in my “Bump” post this week and I should not have approved it, but I did and it lead to the blog equivalent of a catfight. It was addressed to another commenter and was not appropriate. As a result, I was obligated to post the offended party’s reply. I have since removed both comments, but still feel I owe an apology to any that might have seen it and most importantly to Raven of cherokeebydesign. Raven, I am sorry and please know your comment was appreciated. To the other, I regret I fell prey to your taunt that I would probably not approve your comment. I should not have. I was intimidated by your acumen and the thought that you were an established writer whose words carried more weight than my feelings and those of another. I was wrong.
I have considered turning my comments off. I have considered shutting this blog down. I think what I really want is a return to innocence that I know is not possible. I have never changed (except to correct typos) or deleted any entry once posted. I can’t undo what was done and the rotten taste in my mouth will probably be with me for awhile. I don’t know yet what I’ll do. I hope to simply put all this behind me and go back to posting for my original reasons . . . I like to write . . . I like having a place where my words are safe . . . I like having the opportunity to share what I write with others . . . I like the sense of community in blogland.
Although I know this is not my best work, I’m posting it anyway. I think my soul needs it.
4 comments
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October 17, 2009 at 7:02 am
oracleofthepearl
I think this is fine work, D. In fact, I’ve been waiting to read these words. I’m glad they were yours.
“I hope to simply put all this behind me and go back to posting for my original reasons . . . I like to write . . .”
That one gets my vote.
Thank you, as always for being your honest self.
–Pearl
October 18, 2009 at 11:33 pm
cherokeebydesign
I still say it is an “Awesome” write.
Thanks for the e-mail, you’re welcome on my site any day.
Raven
http://cherokeebydesign.wordpress.com/
October 19, 2009 at 12:53 am
lady maggie
i’ve faced that same experience before, when someone uses your blog to pitch an attack at someone else, like having someone crash an important party you’re holding at your own home for close friends and the only reason the invader comes along has nothing to do with you or the party but just to piss up the place over some hangup they have about someone else, it leaves a bad taste in your mouth and foul smell to the room for longer than you’d think possible, until you remember what brought you here and what makes it mean the most to you, and remaining true to that and to your own writing and to the strong friendships built around the meaningful comments and contacts, that’s what has made you and this blog worth every bit of the award and recognition that you and your writing so well deserve —l.m.
December 12, 2009 at 5:59 am
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