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She cries.  He loves her.  She couldn’t imagine that has changed.  He’s always there for her.  Hadn’t he pledged to her his love for life?  Sure, she had broken her vow and they were no longer “together,” but things had been this way for years.  He was always available when she needed him, always at the ready, always able to make it better for her.  Why would he abandon her now?  She had done nothing different, nothing to make him treat her so carelessly.  How dare he not be there in her hour of need.

Tearful messages left unanswered.  What could he possibly be doing that was more important than her pain?  Her voicemails asking him for his help, all gone unreturned.  How could he be so heartless, uncaring?  She had no one, nothing and despite her pride she’d said so.  Still he turned a deaf ear, his indifference a stinging blow.  Why was he treating her this way?  What was it he wanted her to say?  That she needed him?  He should know that after all these years.  That she wanted him?  On this she was a bit unclear, even to herself.  She wanted him to be there for her . . . a friend, a sometimes lover, a fall back when she had nothing else.

She knew she could do better . . . have a man with all of his strengths and none of his weakness.  She had ventured in search of such, but as yet had found none.  He would never be able to provide her with the life she deserved.  She had given him plenty of time to prove that.  He didn’t understand her, how she felt, the depth of her wounds.  He didn’t really “get” her, not as others had.  Still, he had always been there when she reached for him.  He was the storm port that allowed her unfettered sailing when the weather was clear.

She briefly considered that it might be he had found another, but dismissed the possibility with little thought.  They had a bond that spanned a lifetime.  This new woman simply a tarriance, nothing compared to what they had together.  No matter what this new one offered, it couldn’t be possible that he should love any more than he loved her.  She was confident that she was his one true life’s love, so why was he being so mean?  He had withdrawn before, but always in the end he was there for her, always in the end he came back to her, always through his life he had waited on her. 

Sure, it had never lasted this long before, his holding back of the love and support due her.  Sure, he had told her over and over that he was done.  Sure, anyone that did not know him as she did would think he had finally moved on.  She knew that was not possible.  She was sure he would forever be tied to her.  He would come to her when the situation was right.  She had only to find the key, the moment, the approach to open the door to his heart and have him know again that it was she that he was meant to live his life for.  She was the love of his life and he could not escape.  It was his destiny to love her no matter the cost to him.

She cries.  She is alone.  She reaches to him and he’s not there.  She needs him to hold her and tell her its okay.  How can he treat her so badly?  How can he let her suffer?  How can he pretend he doesn’t care? Still she draws strength from the knowledge that it is only a matter of time.  He has a temporary distraction is all.  He will come to know that his life cannot be complete without her in it and then he will be there for her again.  He is simply angry with her, for what she does not know.  Still she is confident he will return to her and when he does, she will make him cry.

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October 2009