I go along, thinking I’m making such progress and then life throws me a couple of curve balls to keep me honest. I just don’t know how to act or respond in a gracious and refined manner most of the time. I tend to be reactive, not proactive. So, when conflicted by a situation these days, I thought to try stepping back, but not out. Today, I made a realization about my “back, not out” strategy. It works, but as usual, not as I expected and most definitely not the same way each time.

There was a great tragedy in my man’s life recently . . . his sister was randomly murdered by a stranger. There were so many emotions and responses that welled up inside me. Outrage at the senselessness of the cosmic plan. Pain that the one I care deeply for had lost someone he loved. Lost in how to help him through his suffering. I stepped back and didn’t try to analyze it, feel it, control it. I didn’t act on or blurt out any of the random responses that scurried through my mind. Rather I let him do what he must and made sure he knew I would be there should he need anything. I let him go to process his feelings and make peace with his heartbreak.

He has gone off to both mourn with his family and deal with the business details of death. Though I want so to be the one that comforts him, I have been able to see that the relationship is too young and our time together too short. I’m okay with being the life he has to return to once he has come to terms with his loss. I learned that sometimes we have to release not only the ones we love, but also our own selfish needs. Its not enough to accept another without judgment. You have to be willing to let them follow their path even when it diverges from your own. He will return to me when he is done, no conditions or timeline. When he is ready, we will continue our journey together.

Writing is my outlet, how I purge the negative, contemplate the illusion, and celebrate the joys. I resolve through my writing. In crafting the words, I come to understand better both myself and my reality. Should my words touch someone now and then, it is a joy to feel that connection, that sharing, that momentary reintegration with the prevailing oneness. I write for the love of it and by the compulsion of it. Without it I am not complete, but it is still only a part of me.

Here in this blog I have exposed the product of processing my thoughts as I’ve dealt with them. The words are not a literal accounting, rather the means to evoke a feeling, impart an experience, share a knowing. This place is the time capsule that preserves the moments as they happen. I have not edited or held back to maintain a persona or keep from offending people that may see themselves in the words and misconstrue my intent . . . until just recently.

It was stupid really. I sense it is a game, but it impacted me nonetheless. It was a confrontation I easily could have missed. As karma would have it, there was something for me to learn, so it was brought to my attention. I didn’t know how to react, so I stepped back. This time though the compromise was to my integrity, not my ego. I wrote as I do to sort out my feelings, but I did not post. I’ve spent significant time thinking about why. What I have come to realize is that I was censuring myself again, worrying about another’s perception. I had stepped back from the situation, but I consequently stepped back from being true to myself and my promise not to return to those old ways of retreat and isolation.

I’ve decided its time to step back in. I’ve made the decision to post those things I wrote and continue posting regardless someone else’s paranoia. That’s what’s right for me and others will have to just get over themselves. I don’t have this blog to impress people, sway others to a cause, gain recognition, or seduce anyone. This is the reminder of the journey I keep for myself and share with others as our paths cross and intertwine. This is the jewelry box were I store my Demure Pearls. Think what you may . . .

“This is Demure’s domain and she reigns here . . . I challenge you to permit the words to touch you . . . Demure demands the emotions seize you. She and I encourage you to love it, hate it, praise it, condemn it, cherish it, reject it, feel anything you want to about it, except indifference. Here it is safe to examine the hope and the pain — raw, unrefined — and to cry or laugh. Here you can freely wander through the emotional morass of love and life in the extreme. Here you can contemplate the disturbing, arousing, moving, illuminating wonder that is her domain. Here you are invited to look into yourself and Demure will happily be your guide.”

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