I never thought much about my health.  I’ve always been blessed with a robust constitution, maybe get the flu or a cold but never had anything serious to deal with.  I just had lab tests for a procedure I have scheduled later this month.  Last night, I got a message from the doctor to call them about those results.  Scared?  You bet!
 
Why do they do that?  Leave you a message like that and then say call tomorrow afternoon.  Okay, no sleep last night and the anxiety is about to tear me apart.  What could it be?  I have now run through all the possibilities and the list is horrifying.  Is this another test in my life, another burden to shoulder?  Am I to have a physical issue now to separate me further from the rest of the world?
 
I have so many ways I don’t fit in.  I have struggled my whole life trying to be “normal,” to be like everyone else.  It hasn’t worked.  I have been empty and lost most of that time.  I made the decision in the last several months to just be me regardless the consequences.  I have felt better than I have for years.  Sure its been traumatic for those that know me, family and old friends, but I have almost been happy a couple of times.  I have found a degree of joy in pursuing my dreams.
 
I got back out in the world after hiding for most of the past decade.  I started expressing myself through my writing and painting.  I opened myself to others and exposed my most fragile self to the hurt out there.  Still, everyday I have been a little more myself than the day before.  I have started doing and feeling all those things I put away in the attempt to be what society said I should be.
 
Now this.  I won’t know what it is for many hours still, but I suppose I’ll manage to hold together till then.  I have had to really think though.  What if it is something truly serious?  What do I do now?  Has Karma turned her back on me?  Have I lost the opportunity to do and be the important things I desire?  Have I wasted precious time pursuing things that aren’t going to matter now?   Or worse, did I throw away my life trying so hard to be something I’m not?  Do I have the strength to deal with this?
 
Questions are all I have right now . . . questions and fear.  How quickly all that seemed so important just a couple of days ago is made irrelevant.  I hope it is nothing.  I pray it is nothing.  I’d make a deal with whatever power would help, but what do I have to offer?  I am just one, small, insignificant person.  All I wanted was a little peace and happiness.  Maybe some of us aren’t meant to have that. Maybe I’m not meant to have that.
 
Well, chin up!  No matter what it is, I will learn to cope with it too.  I refuse to let go my dreams.  I refuse to be overwhelmed by anything life has to throw at me.  This will just be another thing Fate has determined I need to become more, to be better.  I will take this into me and I will continue!  This is my declaration to persist in the pursuit of life, love, knowledge and some form of happiness no matter what the trials.
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