My dearest Zen at  Karma Web has issued the challenge on the The nature of falling in love.  She asks . . . “Ok, my good blog buddies – how do you fall in love? Do you have a pattern that repeats or do you have different experiences too?”  Wow! How insightful of her to look to the beginnings.  That is why she is Zen though!  (Even if she doesn’t see it in herself.) 

I do so focus on the endings, the calamities, the tragedies in my life.  To reflect on the beautiful wonder of falling in love . . . really in love is a strange exercise for me.   I have experienced a lot of relationships, but if I stop and sincerely consider, in how many of those was I really, truly, madly in love?  I must confess I did not love one man that I married.  Yes, I’m seriously disturbed.  
 
Okay, the first man I loved . . . I was young. I was wild.  I was pretty much out-of-control.  I had been out all night and had crashed on my Mum’s couch one day while she was at work and my brother at school.  This guy came to her door canvassing the neighborhood for a roofing company.  He was gorgeous.  His name was Tony and he had curly, dark brown hair with the most beautiful hazel eyes and a dazzling smile.  I was half asleep and maybe still a little drunk and high from the night before.  Long story short, sleeping was not what Tony and I did on my Mum’s couch that morning.  Hey, Mum got a great deal on the roof she needed for her house! 
 
I was terrible to poor Tony.  I was a busy girl back in those days!  He worked hard to get me to go out with him after that.  Why do you think Mum got such a good deal?  Although there was plenty of chemistry, I just wasn’t interested in having one boyfriend.  I was seeing a lot of guys and perfectly happy doing that.  He pursued me though and slowly we grew closer.  It wasn’t so much a thought about thing on my part.  It just seemed that his house (a party house anyway) became my home, most of the time.  I was pretty transient back then.  It kind of developed until one day I realized that not only had I become his live-in girlfriend, but I had somewhere in the process come to love him.  Perhaps as a sign of things to come . . . I ran!  I moved my stuff into some other guy’s pad and left Tony and love behind me. 
 
My second love was my first husband.  I meet him not long after Tony.  As a matter of fact, Tony let me and my dog stay with him for a few days between leaving where I was living and moving in with my future husband, John.  John was also gorgeous . . . long, dark, curly, brown hair with the bluest eyes I had ever seen and a marvelous smile.  My best friend at the time had split with her boyfriend and needed a place to stay.  She had this guy that had loved her for years, so she dropped out of the sky on him.  Of course he let her stay and he had a roommate . . . you guessed it.  John was much older than I was and I was smitten from the start.  He was so the cool, hip, older dude as well as a musician and songwriter.   
 
I found excuses to be around when he was . . . hanging with him, flirting with him, charming him, seducing him.  I think I was in love with him the moment I first laid eyes on him.  He was the first man I ever pursued. He never had a chance.  We ended up married, with children, buying a run-down, old house, still always living a Bohemian lifestyle.  We were together a long time.  It was just that as I grew up, we grew apart. We remained in contact and on good terms after we divorced even helping each other through the years.  He’s the father of my children and will always have a place in my life.   
 
Then there was Ray.  I hate to be redundant, since I just wrote about Ray yesterday, but here goes.  I knew Ray most of my life.  We were friends for many years because that was all we could be.  Most of the time I knew him, he was married to a woman I considered a friend.  A goodly portion of our association, I was married to John.  The four of us were close.  At least once a week we would play Spades.  Ray and I would partner and our spouses teamed up.  Back in those days it kept the yelling and tears to a minimum.  Weekends, there was always a party at Ray’s.  There were lots of couples and lots of indulging and lots of innocent messing around.  I always found him attractive . . . let’s just say . . . gorgeous, with long, curly, blond hair, blue eyes, nice smile, great ass and just plain hot! 
 
The circumstances of our lives threw us together when his marriage ended and he helped me to get out of a bad situation.  We had been devoted accomplices for so long that once any social barriers that kept us physically apart were gone, we simply fell into each others arms.  I know how I felt and I think it was the same for him.  We had loved each other for years, but had never consummated that love out of respect for each other and those we each partnered with throughout our involvement.  I have never been so in love or more rightly said, consumed by love than with Ray.  Still, we hurt each other as much as we loved each other.  It couldn’t go on without the destruction of both of our lives. 
 
Finally, I had a close call recently, but I’m not sure yet whether it will end up in the truly in love category in the long run.  I could have loved him that is certain.  The relationship was brief though and there wasn’t time to have things fully develop.  It was more like a storm that blew through my life.  It was something to be weathered, not understood.  He was gorgeous . . . dark, curly hair, beautiful eyes, amazing smile and sexy as hell.  The physical attraction was immediate and off the charts.  It was my perception that we had also connected on a spiritual level as well.   
 
What happened?  Why didn’t it work?  I don’t know yet.  Maybe it will make sense to me some day, but if I were to include it here, I would say being with him was like something I had done many times before.  It could just be.  I believe some people share repeating cycles over and over.  I think this was just that and in this time, we weren’t meant to be together.  I have even considered that maybe it is our fate never to be with each other except briefly in any incarnation. 
 
Well, I’d have to say that there is little in common between how I came to experience love each time that I have.  One drew me in slowly and I discovered one day I was in love.  My next love was at first sight.  Then I loved a man for a very long time before we could be together.  The last one, I still can’t define, so into the destiny column with it.  What was in common was the corporeal allure.  I haven’t truthfully been “in” love with any man I did not have a very high degree of sexual attraction to.  Oh yeah . . . mustaches!  Yep, all but the last one had ‘em.  Somebody tell me what that’s about. 
 
Is any one way better than any other?  I don’t think so.  Love is such a breathtaking event when you are in the midst of it.  I also believe it to be the most fragile phenomenon in my existence taking the constant attention of both people involved not to lose it.  It seems you look away for even a moment and the damn thing is out playing on the expressway!    

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