What do I want? What am I looking for? What do I need? Why is the vision so clear one day and such a muddied mess the next? Why have I decided to expose myself to the hurts of the world? Sometimes I look back and question if I have made the right decision to step out of the box, to pursue my dreams, to be the person that I’ve had buried inside me. I wasn’t unhappy before. No, I wasn’t happy either, but I did not suffer the daily confusion then that I do now. I have abandoned the safe choices. I’m not even sure who I’ll be tomorrow or where I’ll be the day after that.
 
I feel my life changing almost moment-to-moment.  Its like I’ve shifted out of phase with the reality around me toward something else.  I’m no longer firmly in the old familiar world of doing all the right things, responsible things, expected things, socially acceptable things, morally correct things.  My life no longer resembles anything I have known before.   I have unleashed my passion in the pursuit of my emotional, physical and spiritual happiness and gratification.
 
I’m losing those little common connections we build to relate with one another in the innocuous, regulated existence most of the populace shares. I don’t know if the next American Idol will be Dancing with the Stars only to be Lost and caught up in a Prison Break (or is that Jail Break).  I’m not even sure what any of these references mean!  We get up and go to work to afford the house payment and credit cards.  We return at the end of the day tired and drop in front of the television to rot our brains and devolve our intellect to its most base level.  What kind of life is that?  Is this why we are here?
 
What of adventure?  What of ambition?  What of passion for the things that we spend our days and nights engaged in?  Is our greatest adventure the two-week vacation once a year spent with countless strangers in the same blind pursuit of entertainment?  Is our greatest ambition to get through the next day, week, month, year paying as we go for a commercially and socially inflicted lifestyle?  Is our greatest passion evoked by a video screen – the bigger, the better – playing out the drama in someone else’s life while we neglect the development of our own?
 
All of my life I have done what was expected of me.  I sacrificed those things I loved most in the world and about myself to accomplish the goals of stability, safety and security.  I do not regret nor would I change one minute of it!  It is what has made me strong enough for what is to come next.  When I did finally achieved my goals however, I had no feeling of fulfillment.  It was, if anything, a sense of relief.  I served my time in the prison of compliance.  To survive there meant to forfeit that which creates discontent with the status quo.  The cost was my art, my fervor, my soul.
 
I’m no longer responsible for anyone but myself.  Why shouldn’t I seek something more?  Why not do all those things I could only dream of before?  Venturing into the unknown . . . stepping onto a different path . . . letting go that which is accepted and prudent to grasp at a dream.  Shouldn’t I be afraid?  I’m not.  Shouldn’t I be cautious?  Its too late now.  Should I truly continue on this course?  The preservation of my innermost self demands it.  I concede I’m going to feel despair, uncertainty and pain, but also joy, satisfaction and pleasure.  Could I do anything else at this time in my life? 

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