My philosophy on love . . . Love in the moment ’cause it aren’t gonna last. When its magical, enjoy every minute of it. When it gets to be a pain in the ass, let it go.   

That’s right . . . I don’t think love lasts . . . if it wasn’t for my having loved another, I might not believe love exists at all.  Except in the moment, I don’t think I have ever really felt loved.  Once the moment was past it always turned out to have been something else . . . desire, entertainment, infatuation, lust, convenience . . . not love of me with my flaws, scars, idiosyncrasies, insanity and all.   

It has been my experience the men I have gotten involved with want the mask, that superficial, pretty woman that smiles and laughs at their jokes, is soft and compliant, non-threatening and safe.  They don’t want what is underneath.  I have not always had the easiest life and it has shaped me.  I like to think I have more depth because of it.  I’m not flat; rather, I am full of facets and dimensions not unlike a finished gemstone.  Life has cut and polished me.  If they cared to look past the shiny surface, there is a beautiful prism that is my essence and my soul. 

When I love it is unconditional and that makes me vulnerable.  I hate feeling helpless and out of control.  It just seems any little bump in the road and “Poof!”  I’m alone again.  I’ve never had anyone that I could be totally myself with and count on.  It doesn’t seem like it should be that strange a combination, but I’ve only found one or the other not both in any single person.  I continue to get knocked down, but I keep getting back up and trying again.  I confess, deep in my heart I am a romantic still.  I want the fairy tale to be true.  I just don’t believe in fairy tales. 

So I search for my anam cara.  I still hold to the hope that I just haven’t come across that right person yet.  I want someone to laugh with, but I also seek someone to understand and comfort me when the world starts crashing in.  I don’t need to be taken care of.  In many ways, I’m almost too self-sufficient, but I do need someone to be safe with, to be myself with, to let down the barriers and be free with.  I’m looking for someone that understands I’m many things . . . professional barracuda to sensual lover to raving lunatic to performing clown to frighten little girl . . . and still wants to be with me. 

I may be fated to bounce from one set of arms to another in a vain quest.  Can I really not believe love lasts and at the same time spend my life seeking to discover that very thing?  Is the threat of being vulnerable stronger than the longing to be loved by someone I love?  If I found my soul mate could I let him in? I guess I’ll have to wait and see. 

It would seem I must not be ready to give up just yet.  Besides, loving in the moment isn’t a bad way to bond with someone and maintain a safe distance.  I have met some wonderful and amazing people through my journey that have contributed much to the evolution of me.  However, I may just be crazy and I should perhaps be seeking windmills instead.