I devote this one to “ninguno” for commenting and seeming to understand what I was saying even if I did have some trouble getting a translation.


Thank god we went no further.  It would have made the most final of cages . . . never such a bond so quickly made; never that instantaneous unison with any other; never so overwhelming a temporal tie.  Our covenant rift with peril.  The threat was in yielding to the allure, losing one’s self in the euphoria.

Do our bodies remember what our intellect forgets as we travel through endless renewals?  Neither of us innocents, yet between us it was lissome.  Erotic intimacy without thought.  Experimentation to find that sync and test the boundaries, no need with us.  It was not so much what we did, as how like we had done it hundreds of times before, no thought just perfect unity.  You compared it to breathing.  It was easier.  Ultimately, there would have been no boundaries.

Besides, there were our insanities, that scar in the cosmos marring both our souls.  Did not our beasts lock eyes through the bars of the cages we construct to constrain them?  That part not acceptable for public consumption touching fleetingly and withdrawing.  Had those creatures mated with the same passion as our bodies, could we have ever contained it or would it have ravaged us? 

We fit such as nothing else in the universe.  A million irregular pieces that simply fell into place like a magnificently complex puzzle.  Within it lay a beautiful symmetry of completeness both terrible and terrifying.  Once embraced there would have been no turning back.  Without it life would have been intolerable, with it impossible.  Everything after, a furtive search to replaced it.

Whatever the reason, this is our tragedy, perhaps our destiny.  The intensity was as a blazing fire.  Quiet times, moments of repose lacked none of the passion.  It was a constant uncontrolled flame feeding on us, burning through us.  Nothing so searing can rage unrestrained without consequences.  The only thing we defined was the degree to which it burnt us.  No one can embrace that exquisite affinity long on this plain of existence.  I sensed it.  You knew it. 

It would have been so easy to melt into it, the most natural thing in the world.  Others struggle to discover a fraction of the rapport we had from the first instant our lips touched.  The exploration of that both agony and ecstasy.  Better to step away no matter how bitter the cold created for a time.  There will be others to warm us both.  Safe and controlled, so we may continue with the day-to-day subsistence we abide this time.

No matter how brief our blushing light, it was a brilliant nova in my life.  It changed my verve.  The short time we traveled together diverted me to a new path.  Its as if a door opened inside filling me with the essence of myself suppressed so long for the sake of social compliance.  I have come away from this with bits of you woven into the fabric of me.   Somehow it makes me more complete, more resolved, more myself.  Tell me you will not have an image of me in our mind forever haunting you too and you lie.  

Nothing that we had is gone.   Though I know there will never be another like you, there will be others.  There will be the procession of men in the quest to find an element of you in this one, something else in that one; never more that a scrap here, a fragment there.  Still, I’ll continue, settling briefly at times for something less, always returning to the search eventually.  It won’t be the same, but it will be safe.  Safe is what this incarnation needs.  And you . . . you will feel me and see me in every woman you are with.  You always have.  You just didn’t know it was me.

In the end it doesn’t matter.  Its not over, not for us.  For you and I, it is never over.  Behind us, in front of us, next to us, there are infinite meetings repeating until our pure essences finally merge into the ultimate singularity.  Is it always like this for us?  It seems likely our fate to intertwine and rip ourselves apart repeatedly through eternity.  It fits us far too well.  We have done this too before. 

Thank god we went no further.  Panic seizes me at the thought.  I am in no way prepared to handle that kind of ferocity in my life.  I have much too fragile a hold on reality supported only by a tentative framework to keep the world from spinning out of control.  No matter my soul yearns for it, I’m not ready.  Maybe another time, but not in this now.  I am too damaged, too afraid.  What we had was enough.  It has to be.  Its all I can bear to lose.