Dedicated to Neil, my dearest confidant and friend through it all and anchor in the storms.  A beautiful and sage soul, may we always share our special affinity and affection.

I watched you sleep last night.

I lay in your arms listening to you breathe.

My manic nature has never been sufficiently serene

To allow such bonds, both peaceful and calm.

Yet last night, I quietly watched you sleep.
 
I don’t know how to deal with feelings.
I’m one that desires only to be left alone. 
I’m a skillful saboteur in matters of the heart. 
I never nurture.  I never invest myself. 
I never assign significance.  I never stay to let it hurt.
 
I watched you sleep last night.
I gazed up at you in the velvety darkness.
The lunatic creature raging within me was tranquil,
If only for a short time, satisfied and content.
And last night, I calmly watched you sleep.
 
I don’t know how I let this happen. 

I’m one that keeps clear the path to egress. 

I’m practiced in the art of remaining detached and distant. 

I don’t get involved.  I don’t let passion reign. 

I don’t permit my heart to rule.  I don’t risk myself to suffer.
 
I watched you sleep last night.
I felt my heart sigh and yearn for more.
The tormenter inside screamed at me to escape,
But somehow I stayed, trembling and afraid.
Still last night, I shyly watched you sleep.
 
I don’t know how I’m going to do this. 
I’m one that must continuously move away. 
I’m no match for the terror swelling up to swallow me. 
I haven’t the depth. I haven’t the experience.
I haven’t the strength to remain.  I haven’t the valor to endure.
 
I watched you sleep last night.
I cannot battle my demons any longer.
The old habits and doubts slowly over take me,
Finally winning out, leaving only emptiness.
That last night, I sadly watched you sleep. 

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