Of all the dedications, this one makes me smile the most.  Karl is an amazing good sport.  His question is the reason this was written.  However, he is in no way a “jerk.”  He is an articulate and artistic man that I am glad to have had an opportunity to know. 

This started as a bit of a lark. This guy’s online dating profile was all about how uber this and uber that he was and I couldn’t resist responding in a rather sardonic manner. He had a complete list of all the superficial things he wanted, i.e., had to have long, curly hair, had to have blue eyes, had to be under 5’6″, had to be slender, had to be into rock musicians, had to . . . ad nauseum . . . and had to be uber sexy. I figured I fit the bill as close as anyone and the shopping list mentality had annoyed me. My first response was that I was this, that and the other thing and . . . oh yeah, “uber sexy.” He wrote back asking me to explain why I thought I was uber sexy.

The funny part was that even though this guy was pretty much a jerk, it got me to thinking about what really was and wasn’t sexy. Not to be vain, but I do get a lot of feedback that I am sexy from men with varying levels of exposure, from simply viewing my picture to knowing me on an intimate basis. My e-mail to answer his question turned into a sincere response and I don’t think its that far from reality.

Here it is:

 “There is no short answer for that one, but I have some time on my hands right now. Remember, you asked.

Most women have the false impression that slutty and sexy are the same thing. I don’t think so. Sexy isn’t about cleavage, tight jeans, short skirts, putting your sexuality out on the sidewalk so to speak.

Sexy is only about 20% physical. Part of being sexy is looking good, sure. It shouldn’t be crass though. I see some of the photos these women are posting and they don’t look sexy just cheap and used. Its more about how your hair smells when you put your head on a man’s shoulder; having your skin be soft under his lips; the look in your eyes when you make eye contact; a soft smile across a room; being attractive enough for men to look at you when you walk down the street, but not ogle you.

The next 30% is attitude. You have to be comfortable in your own skin. You can’t broadcast sexy. That’s contrived. You have to just be it. It is about confidence, not arrogance. Its how you carry yourself even when no one is looking. Its part of you and how you move, talk, laugh. Sexy is not an act you put on. It can’t be turned off and on. It can’t be forced. Playful is sexy. Demure is sexy. Vivacious is sexy. Intelligence is sexy. Sensual is sexy. Sexy is ever changing. I think a woman can be as sexy in her man’s old shirt as lingerie. Don’t get me wrong, both have their place, but its what you feel inside being projected out that is sexy.

Last, 50% of being sexy is how you make a man feel. Sexy is something that is shared by two people. Its intimate even when its public. Its about making a man feel strong and desirable, safe and comfortable, cared for and needed. Its about letting a man know that he is the person you want to be with. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing, making love or walking in the park. You have to let a man know what you want and need from him without being threatening or demanding. A man has to feel confidence himself to find a woman truly sexy. Women often don’t realize how much they contribute to a man’s confidence one way or the other. When a man is secure with you, sexy just happens.

Some women get the first part, the physical part of sexy, if they get it at all. A smaller number still have the second part – attitude. However, to be uber sexy, you have to really understand the last part.”