You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January 2008.
Why you? I want you out of my life! I want you out of my head! I want you out of my heart! I don’t want every man I’m with from now on to make me think of you. I don’t want to feel your hands when they touch me, your lips when they kiss me. I don’t want to see your face every time I close my eyes. I wish I had never met you!
Why you? I’ve been with more handsome men, but never one I was so attracted to. I’ve been with richer men, but never one that enriched me like you have. I’ve been with smarter men, but never one that has caused me to think as earnestly or intensely. I’ve been with more caring men, but never one I have cared for as much as I have you.
Why you? You most certainly are not perfect. You are arrogant, isolated, and narcissistic. Yet, isn’t arrogance conviction misperceived by those with fear issues; isolation the best way of protecting one’s self from being hurt; and narcissism healthy self-confidence and lack of complacency. How is it I still hold your faults in esteem?
Why you? I was doing fine before you came into my life. I was happy sampling the smorgasbord of love and life. My audacity permitted me to travel down any road unafraid. My detachment shielded me from heartbreak. My vanity feasted on the adoration of the men around me. I wasn’t looking for or interested in finding you.
Why you? I knew you were going to be trouble from the very start. I have tried to stop myself every step of the way from having these feelings for you. I have tried to erase you from my heart and soul everyday since I met you. I have pursued anyone that seemed they might be able to eclipse you in anyway no matter how short a time.
Why you? You disparage my attempts to find solace with others, scoff at my efforts to fill my time, and belittle me for not being the type of person I could be with you. Nevertheless I crave your approval, if not your affection. I’ve tried to convince myself your opinion of me isn’t relevant, unimportant. Still it means far too much to me.
Why you? I love you. I hate you. I miss you. I never want to see you again. I alternately curse you and long for you. I wish to find someone that will obscure you. I covet one who might make you insignificant. I hope each day that it will be the first I have no thought of you. I wonder if I am still in your heart and you think, why her?
What do I want? What am I looking for? What do I need? Why is the vision so clear one day and such a muddied mess the next? Why have I decided to expose myself to the hurts of the world? Sometimes I look back and question if I have made the right decision to step out of the box, to pursue my dreams, to be the person that I’ve had buried inside me. I wasn’t unhappy before. No, I wasn’t happy either, but I did not suffer the daily confusion then that I do now. I have abandoned the safe choices. I’m not even sure who I’ll be tomorrow or where I’ll be the day after that.
I feel my life changing almost moment-to-moment. Its like I’ve shifted out of phase with the reality around me toward something else. I’m no longer firmly in the old familiar world of doing all the right things, responsible things, expected things, socially acceptable things, morally correct things. My life no longer resembles anything I have known before. I have unleashed my passion in the pursuit of my emotional, physical and spiritual happiness and gratification.
I’m losing those little common connections we build to relate with one another in the innocuous, regulated existence most of the populace shares. I don’t know if the next American Idol will be Dancing with the Stars only to be Lost and caught up in a Prison Break (or is that Jail Break). I’m not even sure what any of these references mean! We get up and go to work to afford the house payment and credit cards. We return at the end of the day tired and drop in front of the television to rot our brains and devolve our intellect to its most base level. What kind of life is that? Is this why we are here?
What of adventure? What of ambition? What of passion for the things that we spend our days and nights engaged in? Is our greatest adventure the two-week vacation once a year spent with countless strangers in the same blind pursuit of entertainment? Is our greatest ambition to get through the next day, week, month, year paying as we go for a commercially and socially inflicted lifestyle? Is our greatest passion evoked by a video screen – the bigger, the better – playing out the drama in someone else’s life while we neglect the development of our own?
All of my life I have done what was expected of me. I sacrificed those things I loved most in the world and about myself to accomplish the goals of stability, safety and security. I do not regret nor would I change one minute of it! It is what has made me strong enough for what is to come next. When I did finally achieved my goals however, I had no feeling of fulfillment. It was, if anything, a sense of relief. I served my time in the prison of compliance. To survive there meant to forfeit that which creates discontent with the status quo. The cost was my art, my fervor, my soul.
I’m no longer responsible for anyone but myself. Why shouldn’t I seek something more? Why not do all those things I could only dream of before? Venturing into the unknown . . . stepping onto a different path . . . letting go that which is accepted and prudent to grasp at a dream. Shouldn’t I be afraid? I’m not. Shouldn’t I be cautious? Its too late now. Should I truly continue on this course? The preservation of my innermost self demands it. I concede I’m going to feel despair, uncertainty and pain, but also joy, satisfaction and pleasure. Could I do anything else at this time in my life?
The cool, tropic breeze gently caresses my skin drying the soft sweat of our love making from my face, my shoulders, my thighs. I look up at you, the sun glinting off damp, curls that frame your face. Your eyes capture mine refusing to release me. I sink into them even as I yield to you once again.
The shining ocean surrounds us, a mirror mimicking the azure blue heavens. You and I like the sea and sky melting into one another, separate yet the point of separation impossible to define. Nothing else in the world exists at this moment . . . nothing, but your touch, my response and our feral passion.
One lone gull laughs at us and we laugh back still wrapped in each other and the elation of our ardent grasp. The sapphire seas embrace us as we embrace one another. Could the aura of our rhapsody out shine the sun? Is that celestial body jealous of the radiance of our erotic ecstasy?
I feel your weight lift from me and my body mourns the loss of you for that instant as you leave me. We lay spent, shoulders and thighs still touching blissful in the warm sunshine and sensual glow. Slowly, I turn to face you. You smile, I blush. Our lips meet in an impassioned kiss as again we fall into the well.
But its just an alluring dream, my secret fantasy. Need I make it happen alone? Did you see it as you read? Did you sense the enchantment I cast for you? Did you feel my seduction reaching out to you? Yes, then tonight we meet in our minds as we both fantasize about you and I under an azure blue sky.
Credit where credit is due . . . this one belongs to Will as much as me, his insight and depth contributing from the moment of inception to the final line that is all his. I bow to his courage to just say what is obvious and right in the truest spirit of Demure.
This is Demure’s domain and she reigns here. Through her I fuse with the fanatic we all conceal within us yet rarely acknowledge, let alone allow it the freedom to run amok. Demure is the chimera inside me. She has no place in a polite society or impolite society for that matter. She does the things, feels the things, says the things, she is the thing we spend our lives suppressing. She lives in my imagination … my heart … my soul. You certainly don’t think I run around emoting like this all over, all the time do you?
This, my creative pursuit starts as a grain of sand from my real life. Then the delightful oyster that is Demure crafts a marvelous pearl applying layer upon layer of art and life to that ordinary pebble of my existence. The gem that results is the product of a lifetime, not some random event of the moment. My journey dissected and reassembled as suits to affect that special connection sharing with you an emotion, a memory, a deep passionate longing. Together we admire and wonder at the beautiful jewels that are the complications of our lives.
I only wish I could take all the credit for Demure. As with any divine energy she feeds on everything and everyone around her. Should you know her you recognize yourself here like it or not. She takes a piece and morphs it to her needs. Still, look inside and you know her sight is true; its part of you. Does she not see into the essence of who you are and expose the truth, those things that are easier to disclaim or ignore? Her light shining into the darkest corners of both your despair and desire. Dare you look? Dare you feel? Dare you open yourself to experience Demure’s revelations?
I challenge you to permit the words to touch you. Demure demands the emotions seize you. She and I encourage you to love it, hate it, praise it, condemn it, cherish it, reject it, feel anything you want to about it, except indifference. Here it is safe to examine the hope and the pain — raw, unrefined — and to cry or laugh. Here you can freely wander through the emotional morass of love and life in the extreme. Here you can contemplate the disturbing, arousing, moving, illuminating wonder that is her domain. Here you are invited to look into yourself and Demure will happily be your guide.
My philosophy on love . . . Love in the moment ’cause it aren’t gonna last. When its magical, enjoy every minute of it. When it gets to be a pain in the ass, let it go.
That’s right . . . I don’t think love lasts . . . if it wasn’t for my having loved another, I might not believe love exists at all. Except in the moment, I don’t think I have ever really felt loved. Once the moment was past it always turned out to have been something else . . . desire, entertainment, infatuation, lust, convenience . . . not love of me with my flaws, scars, idiosyncrasies, insanity and all.
It has been my experience the men I have gotten involved with want the mask, that superficial, pretty woman that smiles and laughs at their jokes, is soft and compliant, non-threatening and safe. They don’t want what is underneath. I have not always had the easiest life and it has shaped me. I like to think I have more depth because of it. I’m not flat; rather, I am full of facets and dimensions not unlike a finished gemstone. Life has cut and polished me. If they cared to look past the shiny surface, there is a beautiful prism that is my essence and my soul.
When I love it is unconditional and that makes me vulnerable. I hate feeling helpless and out of control. It just seems any little bump in the road and “Poof!” I’m alone again. I’ve never had anyone that I could be totally myself with and count on. It doesn’t seem like it should be that strange a combination, but I’ve only found one or the other not both in any single person. I continue to get knocked down, but I keep getting back up and trying again. I confess, deep in my heart I am a romantic still. I want the fairy tale to be true. I just don’t believe in fairy tales.
So I search for my anam cara. I still hold to the hope that I just haven’t come across that right person yet. I want someone to laugh with, but I also seek someone to understand and comfort me when the world starts crashing in. I don’t need to be taken care of. In many ways, I’m almost too self-sufficient, but I do need someone to be safe with, to be myself with, to let down the barriers and be free with. I’m looking for someone that understands I’m many things . . . professional barracuda to sensual lover to raving lunatic to performing clown to frighten little girl . . . and still wants to be with me.
I may be fated to bounce from one set of arms to another in a vain quest. Can I really not believe love lasts and at the same time spend my life seeking to discover that very thing? Is the threat of being vulnerable stronger than the longing to be loved by someone I love? If I found my soul mate could I let him in? I guess I’ll have to wait and see.
It would seem I must not be ready to give up just yet. Besides, loving in the moment isn’t a bad way to bond with someone and maintain a safe distance. I have met some wonderful and amazing people through my journey that have contributed much to the evolution of me. However, I may just be crazy and I should perhaps be seeking windmills instead.
What People Said